January

This is a tough yet interesting month for me.  4 Years she has been gone from my world and yet all year long I think I am okay until this month rolls around..........Someone near and dear to me who has also left this world now, but before she left said something to me and now I understand what she meant. She too lost her little girl, and when the day that her child passed came she would sit home with something inside of her that she couldnt quite place or describe the feeling....but for the whole day she wouldnt move from the couch and by the days end she would actually feel it leave, the feeling would begin to leave and she knew she would yet again be okay for the rest of the year. For quite sometime now I have felt okay about everything yet a little outside the box so to speak. I would think to myself about how I don't go to the cemetary anymore...or how little now I ask or pray to her etc.......I think I am scared, I think I am scared that I have allowed myself to forget things of her....not that I forgot about her or will ever forget her, but it scares me that I can't remember her laugh or her face.....I don't even really remember her facial expression the night she left me in my arms.........this bothers me!!! Why can't I remember??? Is it normal to not remember,is it your bodies way of protecting you?? I dont have the answers but I can tell you it hurts.

There isn't a day where I don't think of her or wonder who she would be today or what life would be like with her. These are too answers I will never have. And I know what I went through is something no one can describe but I also know that part of me feels different from most of the world because of this....I feel like I have overcome something and I have seen life as many others have never......Part of me feels honored, honored that God chose me to carry his angel and angel that he needed for an unknown reason but one I am sure will be explained to me at a much hopefully much much later time. I feel it has made me a different yet better person. I am more open minded, I am more appreciative, I am more insightful....I can look at my two kids now and say there isn't a smile on their face that I didnt take notice too....or a phrase that was just completely hysterical that I will ever allow myself to forget. Maybe losing her was someones way of giving me a wake up call...and I am today grateful that it worked and I woke up and realized what is so important in life....My children, family and friends!!! Love all of you and thank you everyday for bringing me through this and continue to everyday!!