Over due moments

It's been awhile. Everyone is asleep in my house. Laying here listening to their sounds. Went to bed with just a yucky feeling in my stomach. Feel like something is wrong or I am scared about something? Not sure what this feeling is. Lately this feeling comes and goes. Wondering if it's because we are approaching the date my father passed? Have I not dealt with that pain yet? Has there been to much thrown at me where I didn't have the chance to feel? To go through the emotions I was supposed to? I feel broken and I don't know why. I'm not sure I want the stress of the business anymore. Maybe I'm not strong enough for it. I don't have the stomach for it he had. I try to be what he was but I also don't want the end result he had.
People don't care. They just say what they want, treat you how they want. They think because you own a business your a robot. Everyday I dread opening my eyes and walking into that place. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and hate who I've become. Part of me feels bad as though he felt this way all those years but kept going. How do I walk away and give up when he did it. I asked him if I could do this and he told me yes.
There has been too much in life for me not to realize how short it is. Soul searching. Maybe a trip to the cemetery is over due?

I miss them both everyday. One wound is a little more salted then the other. More fresh? I worked with him everyday and developed a relationship with him like never before. Kinda like the one we had when I was a little girl. I am grateful that I had the time I did with him. But I never saw it coming. I wonder why he doesn't give me the signs I need to get through this. Where is he? Does he see what's going on down here? Does he know what his wife has done at this point or does he view it as I've done something wrong? Is that why he doesn't let us know he's watching over us? So many unanswered questions just give me something. A dream....something!

I find it amazing that things happen the way they do. With hailey I came home from work early. Had it not been a holiday I would've been at work when it happened. My dad... We pushed our wedding up just because... Had we not he would've never been there. If I knew that was going to happen I would've payed more attention for the father/daughter dance... I would've held his arm tighter as he walked me down the aisle. I would've never left the hospital that night.

I wonder if they're together?


Sorry apparently I am having a moment tonight. A long over due moment.