Never Another Ordinary Day

Another day has gone by without her.You wonder what gets you through the day? I swear it's that fact that I ask her every morning to give me her strength to keep me going. I went to the cemetery to visit her today. I find the more often I go the better I feel! I love going down there and talkin to her,bringing her things.I just wish she was here to hold again. I miss waiting for her to fall asleep in her play pen and then picking her up to carry her to her crib,her head would just fit so perfectly on my shoulder, like it was fitted to it. I miss asking her for a hug, and she would put her head down into my shoulder and go "ahhh", she was the best, she will always be the best!Her kisses were the best!! I just hope oneday I can make sense of all this.Right now I just keep going back and forth between maybe we did something to not deserve her, and then I go to maybe she had something so wrong inside that he didn't want to see an angel suffer. I don't know I don't get it and maybe I won't until I get there. And God knows after putting me through this and taking her from me I better be going there!!! I wonder if she is going to stay a baby up there or do they grow up? I have so many questions and when I think of them I get angry!! Our world revolved around her. Going back to when she was still here with us, I constantly took her to the doctors, I did everything to try and keep her safe and healthy. How come that wasn't enough, How come I couldn't get answers, How come the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong? I just wish I had someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt from her new show to come knocking at my door to tell me the answers to all of my questions and to tell me all the things Hailey wants to tell us right now. It is not fair,I love her too much to just accept this. I feel so lost without my little girl,my best friend. The one who was always at my side. There was so much bad in the world that he could have picked from. Why my little girl-Why???? There are times that I can deal and deal with every day routine, but I still know at all times that there is that void and it's not my normal daily routine. I don't want a house, I don't want money,I don't want anything materialistic-I want my little bug back!! This is something that was not supposed to happen these things do not happen to good people!!I don't abuse my children, they always got whatever they wanted. I always took them to the doctor when they were sick. I really don't understand!! Where do we go from here, how are you supposed to be the person you always were before something like this happens. I forgot who I was before this. Without her I am not Amanda, Frank is not Frank, Alex is not Alex. How do you allow a good family to deal with this hurt, the rage? How do you allow a 7 year old whiteness what we had to whiteness that night. I close my eyes at night and I cannot get the feeling of her lips on mine while I did Cpr on my 21 mnth old off. I cannot stop envisioning her face in her highchair when it all started, I have to go back to think prior to putting her in her highchair that night, which was me asking her"Bug you want nummy nums?" and she came running over to me,"fruit mommy, fruit".Oh, she was such a pip!!