Sunday

Went down to put her tree and grave blanket on Sunday. It was hard. Been doing so good lately that I guess I didn't want to go back down there to relive everything and be reminded of the hurt and frustration that still lives within. I guess now knowing that nothing further can be done to those who let her fall through the cracks, I kind of tried to gain closure. Not that not going down to see her would give me closure but why open new wounds when I was doing so good? Haven't had any crying episodes out of nowhere etc....... I got very cranky down there because I knew deep inside I wasn't allowing myself to feel. Don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone other then her, feeling guilty for being so cranky down there. Its Christmas and not that I should look forward to going there but I should make the best of it and I didn't. I am sure she knows I am sorry and the guilt that I have for being the way I was on Sunday. Sorry Bug!!! Maybe part of me is trying to forget this part of my life, don't get me wrong will never forget her but I also know that if I hold on I will never be able to get past and move forward. I still talk and think about her daily and will for the rest of my life, however there was a time where I went down there weekly almost daily. I feel that I am in a spot now where I can deal with it. I can say this happend and I can't change it. Holding a doctor responsiable isn't going to happen nor is it the fair thing to do? This was maybe supposed to happen for whatever reason.............It happend and I have gotten to a point in life where I can kind of understand it. Just want to be okay and don't want to feel the pain anymore, so I guess you can say I am avoiding it.