I remember being a little girl and wanting to grow up so quickly. I couldn't wait to have my fairytale wedding, I couldn't wait to have a home of my own, I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. In all this I never once stopped to think about losing my family. You just don't think about those things because from day one you have the outlook no way,not me. You hear about these things but you always think it could never happen to you. I now have a whole new perception on life. You have to take one day at a time and cherish it as it is the last! Don't take a second of it for granted.What's here today could be gone tomorrow, and no, I am not saying to walk around in fear. I am saying enjoy it, you only get it once. I look at pictures of me holding her and in every picture I had this smile that you couldn't wipe off my face if you tried and I now look at those pictures and realize how happy she made me. I have a hard time looking at those pictures, because I know I will never be that Amanda ever again. I lost a huge part of me, Frank lost a huge part of him, Alex lost a huge part of him. I don't know if we will ever find those people again. This is unbelievable how someone who was here for such a short period of time can leave and take such a huge part of the person you were. I cannot come to terms with I don't have my daughter anymore. I cannot wake up in the morning and go into her room to pick her up and hold her or just watch her sleep. The closest thing to that I can get is driving to the cemetery. That is not fair!! I want to put her to bed, I want to give her a bath. I want her to drive me nuts and get into everything and I promise I would never complain about it again. I want those days back again. I won't work, I will stay home with her and live in a box to be able to keep her with us. I don't understand where did we go wrong???? It hurts and I cannot tolerate the pain sometimes and I have so many questions, that I don't know if they will ever be answered. I hope she looks down and sees how much we all love her and miss her. She deserves that much! She was taken from such a loving tight family. He better give her a glimpse and let her see how we are all holding on to her still and how much we love her!!
posted by Angel In Disguise at 3/17/2006 10:01:00 PM
1 Comments:
I love the pictures of her 1st birthday! I have to find the ones we have and send them to you. She was so cute (as always), especially with the cake!
Yesterday I was driving home from school and this song came on the radio that made me think of Hailey. I don't know if you ever heard it, but it's called "Can You Hear Me When I Talk to You" by Ashley Gearing. Well, I started balling and had to pull over because I couldn't see where I was going. Then I read this post and it made me think of this song. I always think about if she can see everyone, what she thinks...stuff like that. I definitely think she can and that she knows how much everyone loves and misses her.
It's been a little over two months now and I still can't believe she's gone. I keep telling myself she's in a better place, but it's still not right because she should be here with us. Sometimes I forget that things aren't "normal" and then I snap back to reality and realize she's gone. I know how hard it is for me, especially when that happens, so I can't even imagine how it is for you, Frank, and Alex. I love you guys and I wish there was something more I could do for all of you! I guess the only thing any of us can do is just be there for each other and try our best to get through each day. Sounds so simple...if only it were!
Well, hopefully I'll talk to you soon.
Love always,
Jess
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