GUILT HAS A WAY OF FINDING ME.....

SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AWHILE BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN A SECOND HAS PAST WHERE I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT MY LITTLE BUG. AS A MATTER OF FACT WHILE IN LABOR WITH ISABELLA I WAS PRAYING TO HAILEY AND ASKING HER TO MAKE THE WHOLE PROCESS GO QUICKER AND MAKE HE PAIN GO AWAY,YET FEELING GUILTY FOR ASKING HER THIS WHILE IN LABOR WITH ANOTHER LITTLE BABY GIRL. I FEEL GUILT, AND I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THAT IS NATURAL TO FEEL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL RIGHT NOW THAT MY LITTLE BUG IS HATING ME FROM UP THERE, I DO HAVE MY OWN GUILT NOT JUST FROM HAVING ISABELLA BUT ALSO BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE CEMETERY IN QUITE SOMETIME. NOT THAT IT WAS A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE BUT WHILE PREGNANT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I FELT UNEASY GOING THERE, I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET HER. EVEN THOUGH IN MY HEART OF HEART I TRULY BELIEVE THAT HAILEY SENT HEALTHY ISABELLA DOWN TO US. WE RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM MY ATTORNEYS DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY WHOM EXPLAINED THAT SHE FEEL JUST BY READING THE PAPER WORK THAT HAILEY CHOKED. I EXPLAINED TO HER THAT IT WAS DETERMINED BY THE ER DOCTOR AS WELL AS THE ME THAT MY DAUGHTER DID NOT CHOKE. I THEN RECEIVED THE CALL FROM THE ATTORNEY THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER GOING TO TAKE THE CASE. MY GUILT THAN WENT BACK TO THAT NIGHT. ALL MY EMOTIONS FROM THAT NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL WERE BACK AGAIN. I FELT I FAILED MY DAUGHTER, I COULD NOT SAVE HER. I WAS NOT PREPARED AS A MOTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN. IN HEARING THIS FROM THIS DOCTOR WHO NEVER EXAMINED MY DAUGHTER AFTER EVERYTHING I WENT BACK TO BLAMING MYSELF, WHICH THEN BRINGS ME TO WHERE I AM NOW. HAILEY HATES ME!! BETWEEN THE BABY AND THIS FORGET I FAILED HER TEN TIMES OVER AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER THAT NIGHT AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL BUT I ONLY HOPE SHE CAN FORGIVE ME,I HOPE SHE KNOWS I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO KEEP HER HERE WITH ME. THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS MY BEST FRIEND THEN AND STILL IS NOW. I TALK TO HER ON A DAILY BASIS. I LOOK AT ISABELLA AND AM SO HAPPY AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH, I JUST WISH SHE STILL HAD A BIG SISTER. I FOLD ISABELLA'S CLOTHES AND REMEMBER FOLDING HAILEYS AND BECOME SO EXCITED FOR ISABELLA TO GROW. THEN I BECOME SCARRED, SCARRED THAT THIS HAPPINESS THAT WE NOW KNOW AGAIN CAN BE TAKEN AWAY AT THE BLINK OF ANY EYE.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF ALL THESE EMOTIONS AND QUESTIONS I HAVE ARE NORMAL. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL SCARRED? SCARRED OF LOSING ISABELLA? SCARRED OF ISABELLA CHOKING? SCARRED TO LET HER SLEEP WITHOUT ME CHECKING ON HER A MILLION AND ONE TIMES? EVERY TIME SHE SNEEZES OR SOUNDS CONGESTED FOR A BRIEF MOMENT I START PANICKING? ARE ALL THESE THINGS NORMAL FOR ME, OR AM I LOSING IT? HAHA!!!

THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS LITTLE BUG I LOVE YOU AND NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. AND BY US HAVING ISABELLA WE WERE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE YOU. PART OF ME THINKS AND HOPES THERE WILL BE AL OT OF RESEMBLANCES AS I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A LITTLE PIECE OF HAILEY IN HER TO BE REMINDED OF HER DAILY AND TO KNOW THAT HAILEY HERSELF PICKED ISABELLA FOR ME, FRANK AND ALEX!!

WE LOVE YOU BABY!! WE WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER MISS YOU YOU!!