NO MORE SURPRISES.............

HUGHHH... WHERE TO BEGIN ALL OF THE TIME... WHELP WE WENT TO BABES R US TOGETHER ON FATHERS DAY. IT WAS INTERESTING. WE ENJOYED IT YET COULDN'T FIGURE OUT IF WE SHOULD BE FEELING GUILTY,HAPPY ETC.. BUT WE DID IT, WE REGISTERED AS REQUESTED BY THOSE OF YOU AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IT WAS EXCITING YET A LOT OF THE THINGS SHE HAD AS FAR AS HER TOYS THEY STILL HAVE, SO FROM TIME TO TIME WHILE IN THERE WE WOULD PICK CERTAIN THINGS UP AND LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER,LIKE DO WE DARE GET THE SAME TOYS?? WHO CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AS TO ARE WE DOING WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG?? BUT I WILL BOTTOM LINE IT, THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. ITS WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. THE HARDEST THING TO PICK OUT WAS THE CRIB MATTRESS, I FELT GUILTY REPLACING THAT, BUT I CAN'T CHANCE A GERM OR WHATEVER, BUT THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO THAT DAY. YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART NEVER WORK AS ONE,ITS AMAZING. I MISS HER AND I HOPE SHE KNOWS WE ARE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE HER, YET ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE PIECES OF HER IN ISABELLA. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS TAKEN FROM US AND YET ANOTHER IS BEING GIVEN TO US. I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT THAT ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME, WHICH IS WHAT I GUESS LEAVES ME SCARED, AS THOUGH IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN. I GET SCARED FROM TIME TO TIME AND THEN ANOTHER PART OF ME IS SO EXCITED. I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY, TO FORM A BIGGER UNIT,BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SCARED. I DON'T WANT THIS MESS OF EMOTIONS ANYMORE. I WISH I COULD LEND THEM OUT FOR A DAY.....LOL!!ANY TAKERS??LOL!! SHE WAS MY FIRST LITTLE GIRL, SHE WAS SO VERY SPECIAL TO ME FROM THE DAY SHE WAS BORN I CALLED THAT LITTLE GIRL MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE HER OR THE RELATIONSHIP SHE AND I HAD. I FORGET WHO I USED TO BE. I FORGET THE AMANDA I ONCE WAS.I WONDER IF SHE WILL EVER COME BACK, GOD I HAVE CHANGED THROUGH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS THROUGH THIS LIFE AND COULD I HAVE THE PERSON I AM TODAY STAY FOR AWHILE?? NO MORE SURPRISES PLEASE...............................