Phases

You would be surprised what your brain does when something like this happens. It's like different phases. First this wall comes over you and you feel numb,where your body doesn't allow you to feel. Second, like I said before it's like vacation time. You miss that person but it's just like your separated from them for the time being,Then all of a sudden out of nowhere your brain turns everything into reality for you. It's like everything your body was protecting you from hits you like a ton of bricks!! Lastnight I went to bed crying myself to sleep,early the next morning Frank left for work. I guess after I went back to sleep I started dreaming. Basically the dream had someone in it that was dead, someone I knew from school. In my dream I was in bed sleeping and something made me awake, in front of me was a mirror,in the mirror was a little boy. It startled me, and I went "Oh my God!!", There was a little girl laying next to me. I can't remember who the little girl was,but I knew her in my dream. Anyway, a few minutes later a boy came in(the person I knew from school who is no longer with us) And he said to me, "Amanda you said something to me in school the last time I saw you and I need to know the meaning of what you said?" So I explained to him what I meant by what I said, and he said, "Okay I can cross over now, I see the light, I am not scared anymore." I said to him" Wait!! How is my little girl?" He said,"She is wonderful, She is safe and happy."I then asked him" Can you watch over her for us and let her know we love and miss her?" He said" Amanda I was assigned to her and I will watch over her."At the same time as he said those words to me, someone took their hand and ran it down the side of face, however in the middle of them sliding there hand down my face I woke up crying. It felt so real I know this sounds like you guys need to put me away but that dream felt so real, I swear I really felt someone's hand glide down the side of my face! I told everyone Monday mornings are the worst for me and when I woke up this morning I felt reassured, I felt like she was safe and I didn't have to worry about her. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder if she's playing on the clouds? Sometimes I look up and wonder if she's looking down crying for me? Is my little girl up there crying for me and there is nothing I can do? I feel helpless, through this whole thing I have felt helpless! I couldn't find a doctor that could make her better, I couldn't save her from leaving our world that night, I couldn't save her from anything that was thrown at me. I felt helpless as a mother!! I was in the mall the other day, and they had a little stuffed rabbit with a dress on, that had her name embroidered into it, and then they had a CD with her name on it. So I bought both, especially because it wasn't often that people spelled her name the way we spelled it. I got in the car and put the CD on and the song spoke about :Hailey you were sent here from heaven and it talked about angel wings.I don't know about anyone else but I take these things all as signs from her that she's o.k. but doesn't want to be forgotten about. And that is something I will make sure never happens. She will always be apart of us, no matter how many years surpass. She will remain in our thoughts, hearts and prayers!! I don't know, God must be pretty angry with me these days because I found when praying or talking to someone it's not him anymore, I only talk to her!! She was my world and she will always be, I will keep our chats apart of my daily routine. I miss getting down on the floor with her and cleaning up her new legos she got for Christmas, just so she could un zip the bag and dump them out again!! We would have so much fun. Sometimes when she would see me on the computer she would come in, climb on my lap and make me go to WWW.Noggin.com to hear Lori Berkner: I got a song in my tummy, Energy, Or I know a chicken. She loved that one she would get down off my lap so she could shake it fast with them!!We had so much fun together. I would do my exercises in the living room and she would be right there next to me doing them, we would laugh our asses off, she was more coordinated then me!! Smart little girl,She taught me quite a few things in life and those things will always be the most important lessons I have learned!! This picture was from while we were in sesame place, She loved it there!!