Unanswered Questions

I was talking to someone who lost her daughter 35 years ago, and in listening to her I can tell she still has the pain from it all, not only the pain but the anger as well. I don't feel angry, I am upset and hurt but haven't gotten to the anger stage. I just can't bring myself to feel angry with anything to do with her. Who are you supposed to be angry with? If someone was really up there looking over us this wouldn't of happend, so who do you get angry with and blame??? Anyway in talking to her, she was saying how after her daughter passed she still had to raise her other daughter, but she always had this outlook that once she was done raising the other daughter she was done and she would then die to go be with the other daughter that passed and then one morning she woke up to find herself going to her daughters college graduation and said to herself what am I still doing here? I find it weird that she said those words to me, because no matter how dreary that may sound I almost thought the same way, that once I finished raising Alex and he got married and had a life f his own I was done and I could go be with her. But now I realize not that I didn't before but that that is not going to happen. It's weird and hard to explain but when I guess something like this happens you start to get many outlooks on life and how its going to proceed for us. Lastnight Frank and I got on the conversation of another baby and he said to me that he needs more of a morning period, I explained to him that he needs to realize that the sadness we feel is never going to go away not in a year , not in ten years etc... He just looked at me funny, so I said "scarry-huh?" Of course I got no response from him, we know men!!! I just don't know wht to do, I am scared, I am scared that it could happen again, I am scarred that I would be narotic mess with another one, I don't know I guess I need to talk to a doctor, someone who could tell me this was not genetic, that they will watch the babies heart like a hawk!! It's scarry!!WE have some thinking to do. And then I wonder would that make Hailey sad, would it make her think we have forgotten her? It hurts to know that she would look down and have to see that. I can't imagine making her feel sad that she can't be with us. Does she want to be with us right now or does she not know we even exist down here? what's it like for her? We are all sad and lacking her presence here, but whats it like for my 22 month old daughter not to have her mommy, daddy and brother with her anymore? Who's taking care of her? So many unanswered questions for a momand I will never have the answers. I can't deal with that part!!

I do have more pictures of her but for some reason blogger won't let me put them in, it will take photos that I have already used but new ones it won't work. I will keep trying though!! Sorry!!