Pumpkin time.....................
Not sure how this halloween is going to be. I am almost scared to walk into a costume store to get Alex's costume. I knew what I was going to make Hailey for halloween this year.Even pumpkin picking I don't want to do it but I have to. I look at the people accrossed the street from me and they get to take their two year old pumpkin picking this year and they are so excited about it, where is this fair. Where is it fair that I have to pick my chin up and take Alex to the pumpkin farms and see a ton of other people with their little ones and I don't have mine. I am not asking for something to happen to all of these other children just give me mine back. I wanna see her run through the corn stalk maze and sit on the pumpkins. I want to see her pick up the rotten apple on the ground and get it all over her hands.I want my time back with my little girl and I can't get it. I only hope people see what they have in life. I will never ask why me but I can whine and moan and cry about it!!!!I took her lastyear to the pumkin field and she had a blast, I don't know what its going to be like this year and that scares me!!
posted by Angel In Disguise at 10/03/2006 03:22:00 PM
3 Comments:
I know this time of year; and heading into the 'holidays'; is going to be really difficult. Your scars are still so new and your emotions are running high. Noone expects you to be skipping around like nothing is wrong. Your pain is real. It is going to take the strength of family and friends to see you through each day. That is what we are here for. Take Alex to the pumpkin patch....he needs you to take him. I know it won't feel normal, like something is missing. But you know that in a strange way it will make you feel better knowing you went for Alex. He needs and loves you so much. I don't have to tell you that you already know it. We know you will have your share of good days and bad days. All we can do is make the best of any day we have. I know you want Hailey to be there with you in the pumpkin patch....I wish so much that I could do something to bring her back to you but reality keeps getting in the way. I read your entries and I feel your frustration and your hurt. Only time will make these emotions subside. I pray that you find some peace in the days ahead. Stay strong, we love you. xxoo
Oh I am def. going to take him but as I said it will feel like my little side kick is missing!! Last year when we went there was a band playing and she was up in front of the band dancing and when the band stopped playing everyone clapped and she swore they were clappng for her she got so excited!I love you guys too and thank you so much for being there for us. I just wish there was a way I could go back in time and know what I know today. I feel like because I had to work I missed so much time with her and the guilt for that is unexplainable. I know I shouldn't feel guilty b/c I didnt have a choice but to work however it is a feeling that is uncontrolable.I remember Easter morning putting baby poweder on my feet and hopping through the house to make the kids think the easter bunny was in their rooms and in the house and Ale thought it was the greatest thing,I remember thinking to myself I cannot wait to see Hailey's reaction when she gets a little older and to know today she never got to experience those things it sucks!!But I will put my suit on and continue showing up for life for Alex because I have to and most of all because I want to, as I have said I just wish..........
I do have those memories and they are what gets me through my days!I look at her picture adn its almost like I can see into her eyes again like she is standing before me.I miss her little face,I have to say she was all my eyes there are times when I look at myself in the mirror and can see apart of her. You never look at those things when they are here in your daily life. I just wonder sometimes was it her final lesson here or was it to teach me a lesson of some sort? There are so many things I will wonder for the rest of my life but one things for sure I would not have changed a thing. Yes I only had her here with me for 22 wonderful months but I would not take those 22 months away to take this gut wrenching pain away.I am proud that I can say that. I can put myself and my own feelings on the back burner and say but look what I had for 22 months. I am so thankful for that time.though it is scarry time to time because its kind of like I don't know who I am anymore this rocked my world and chnged the person I am today, hopefully for the better but it is scarry when you've lost yourself and you have to fight day to day to find yourself or little parts of yourself that once existed.AWhats scarry is the one year date is approaching and I don't want that day to come I don't want to feel like a year has passed.
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