Little Bugger girl!!
My little bug we miss her so much!! I think about her constantly. I wonder if some people think that over time you forget or there are moments when you don't think about her, but never have I yet to stop thinking of her. I think of her still as often as I did when she was here if not more!! Missing someone sometimes I think is the hardest thing to do in life. Yet missing someone that you know no matter what isn't coming back is that much harder.
Sometimes I come on her blog to just be able to post a picture of her and let her know I am thinking of her and I get here and no matter what I may be feeling there are no words for it or no words that come to me to type. So I may ramble or repeat myself from time to time but I guess that is part of missing someone. It hurts, its the worst hurt in the world. I wouldn't wish it on Osama!! LOL!!
You wonder why these things happen to families like ours. People always say "Amanda, you were a good Mommy to her", and I know I was not just because I was her mommy but also because I knew she and I were best friends and it would have always remained that way as she grew. Getting back to being a good mom,if I was such a good mommy to her why was she taken away from me?? You have people in this world that do drugs while they are pregnant with their children, you have people that don't take care of their children, people that beat their children and people that abandon their children in dumpsters,famous people who do drugs while they are pregnant and then as well as after the fact and never once think about how that child will feel when mommy leaves and won't be around to take care of them....Selfish people. And yet this happens to us..People who took care of their children, take them to the doctors, take them to Sesame place,love them, hold them, kiss them constantly and this happens??Who says we have Guardian angels assigned to us individually..where was my daughters that day??I know mine was their with me because I got strength that night that I never knew I had in me. I never knew that I could keep such control of myself and do what needed to be done that I could look back today and say I tried everything in my power to save my daughter from the Heimlich to CPR, calling 911 and staying calm in front of my son...so calm in front of Alex that when my sister got there to pick him up and asked whats going on, hie response was "ahhh Hailey choked but she will be alright!!" He though his baby sister was coming home that night, do you know what its like to tell a little boy that his sister went to see God and she is not coming home ever again, no matter what he wishes for on his next birthday!! Yup that was the conversation that I have had with Alex numerous times. he knows now, he knows she is gone and watches him everyday from above.
posted by Angel In Disguise at 2/16/2007 10:27:00 AM
2 Comments:
"Time heals all...." I never believed that statement. Seemed no matter how long I was away from my home in NY & my family, my feelings of seperation anxiety, the absence, just the hurt of missing everyone never got any easier as the time went on as opposed to when I first got out here. It still has not subsided in the least. Yet, the only way I find peace with that is knowing that I will see everyone during the time when I come out for a visit & that alleviates that pain for a while.
Now this brings it all to a different level. And I've yet to find a way of finding the peace in it all. I can't imagine you trying, Frank, Alex or anyone else for that matter. And again, we ask "why us?" & the emptiness that echoes back keeps that void in our minds, in our hearts. There's so many unanswered questions, but I know it's all how we arrive at an answer that will satisfy our hunger to fill that void. Sometimes those echos last longer than we want, yet there are times we get a sign or an overwhelming feeling of content & that's all we need.
Know in your heart YOU WILL see & hold your beautiful baby girl again Amanda. It's all about timing & things we don't have in our control. But just BELIEVE that all your suffering that you've done here will be replaced with an eternity of happiness & elated treasures that you all deserve, that Hailey deserves too.
Believe......................
And although it's sooo hard sometimes just KNOW that SHE IS there with you ALL THE TIME. She's with all of you. Watching, encouraging you to do the right thing, stroking your hair when you hang your head in times of grief & tears. She holds you too Amanda, nobody can take the place of her Mommy. (Nor any of the other relations she had in her life for that matter!) And if you just sit there & know this....believe this, it just might make the time until we meet with her again a little more tolerable. I know the hurt will never go away. You're doing good. You all are. But it's not too late, or nothing to be ashamed of to go & talk with someone. I think you would all benefit from it so much. It just might help you along this part of your journey. Better yet, perhaps you can help someone else with theirs. You know what I mean. I love you...all!
xoxoxoxxo
bj
Okay, I now the meaning ofc crocodile tears, as they hit the countger I felt them splashing me!! Your right and believing is what has gotten us through and to where we are now.Its also having everyone around us and talking to us, hearing their thoughts and knowing that they too believe. I go back to certain things and I just cannot yet still believe it. However I can relate daily things to her and that too is what brings a smile to my face,I can interact with other children and try to get a memory or a similar feeling and I do. Its almost like she brings the children to me and allows them to feel comfortable with me to give me that sense of her and I eat them all up!! I have more fun being with the kids these days then I do adults!!LOL!!!! No seriously they amaze me and I never realized just how much I took for granted and I refuse to ever again.Family is so important and you have to take everyday as it could be the last.I know its hard because everyone leads their own lives and has to work etc..But I always seem to thinks about everyone in a days time!!
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