"Fruit Mommy, Fruit"

I wonder, I wonder where she is and how she is doing with out me.... I wonder does she see me, is she angry with me for not being there with her, for continuing my daily living? I can't say my daily routine, because she was my routine.I wish I could see her, I wish I could hold her one last time!! Life has so many different paths to take, and your life is not planned out for you, your paths are but depending on which one you chose to take is where your future will be. God may have several plans for us all, but can one be so cruel to of put this path up for us?? I could have chose another path, but I am so glad I chose the one I did!! I got to experience a wonderful short period of time with my daughter and I appreciate everyday that I can think back to our wonderful happy and fun memories!! You only live once and live it to the fullest!! Have fun, be with your family and know at all times what is important!! I cannot think of anything else more painful then what we have recently experienced, You think your handling it but in all reality maybe your trying to hide it. Maybe you know deep inside that no matter how much pain you feel that will never bring her back. I don't know what to do with myself. We are supposed to be finding a house, I feel guilty, But mostly I feel like I don't want to do this without her. There were so many things we were looking for in a house for her and Alex. How do you do this without her???? I am so alone with out her. I just wish for five minutes I could reach for her and her wrap her hand around my fingers, Everytime she and I would hold hands and she would reach up for my hand, she would look up and smile at me, I would get goose bumps just from the glow in her eyes alone. I am not by any means trying to make anyone feel guilty in what I am about to say, I am only saying this to open your eyes and make you realize how important everyday, every minute and every second in your day, just how vital those seconds and minutes are. The next time your child asks you to play with them or hold them----do it!! You don't know what that next second may bring!! I am so thankful today, that before I lost her I went into the living room to get her to bring her to the kitchen to eat and there she was dancing to Jack's big music show-but as soon as she saw me and as soon as I said "C'mon Hailey bug Wanna do nummy nums?" She came running over to me and said," Fruit Mommy, Fruit??" She loved to eat fruit!! But I picked her up and gave her the biggest kiss an hug before I put her in that high chair. I thank God for that!! I hope I don't offend anyone or make them feel sad by doing what I do on this site, however it is a way for me to vent but more important a way to keep her here with me and everyone else. If I just get one story in every time to show people how unique and special she was then I will keep apart of her here with everyone!! I have to tell you, I went and picked up her medical records from Brookhaven hospital today, Included in those records is everything the EMT's write down before they get to the hospital. They wrote that basically she didn't have a pulse, which I think I knew that already, but part of me feels better that maybe she didn't die alone and cold in the hospital, she died in my arms, in her mommy's arms, in her home where she loved to be!! I love my children more than anything in life and I cannot explain the days and nights without her!!

( I think in this picture the flash was a little bright for her!!-what do ya think??) This was at Alex's birthday party, he had a mining party they had so much fun!)