All we can do is make the best out of them.......

As the days go by it seems to get harder, not sure if that is because of the holiday rapidly approaching us or if it is because right after the holiday it will be one year since we lost our little Bug!! I can only tell you that we have our days or atleast I know I do. I can wake up in the morning and feel as though everything will be alright and by the time I start driving to work uncontrollably the tears are falling down my face. The Christmas lights are so difficult to look at as she would be so amazed right now!!
Its funny because this weekend I was at my sisters and Santa Claus came around on the fire truck for the kids, Alex was not with me he was with his dad, and Sarah clung to me. The funny part of the whole thing is that I needed that!! Like I said I didn't have Alex with me and obviously my little girl wasn't there. Everyone from the Fire Dept. came into Janessa and John's house to kick a few back and eat some food, while everyone was hanging out Sarah was playing shy and just hung on me, she wanted to be in my arms at all times and if she wasn't in my arms we were playing hide-n-go-seek. Like I said I needed that, I felt like maybe besides my niece just loving her auntie Amanda maybe it was Hailey making her do that, to put me at ease knowing that this house full of people knew what happened to Hailey, and I was feeling so uneasy because they knew that Hailey was there last year to see Santa come through and you feel people look at you as though they don't know what to say, so the fact that Sarah was the way she was, was so awesome!! I love that little God Daughter of mine!! I had alot of fun with her this weekend!! Can't wait to give her all those presents we bought her!!LOL!!! I find now since everything happened I rather hang with the kids lately, I attach myself to them instantly and that was so never me!! We found in the ornament Christmas box this year a project Hailey did in daycare and it has her picture in the middle of it. This picture is so who Hailey truly was, her pigtails look like she must have ripped them out twenty times that day, her hair is greasy with chicken nugget grease in it, and she looks absolutely exhausted from playing all day with the other kids!! But yet there is that gleaming smile and Janessa, she has that twinkle in those eyes!! You look at this project on the front of my refrigerator and you have no choice to cry for so many different emotions. The first is happiness because that smile is just a smile that can tell you everything is alright, and then hurt because you so badly want to wrap your arms around her and squeeze, then you have this gut wrenching feeling of Oh My God, because there is that twinkle, there is that smile with those pudgy cheeks and to top it all off she is wearing the outfit that she is wearing today!! The only thing missing is her Angel wings!!