IT'S A BAD DAY

I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM HAVING A BAD DAY TODAY. I HAVE THIS KNOT IN MY STOMACH THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY AND I AM FEARING THE WINTER ACTUALLY COMING. IT'S JUST THIS FEELING THAT IS SO UNEXPLAINABLE THAT CAN JUST TAKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. IT BRINGS ME TO A POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. IT'S AS IF I AM BACK IN THE HOUSE ON MY KNEES IN THE HALLWAY GIVING MY LITTLE GIRL CPR, YET KNOWING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND IT WASN'T HELPING HER SHE NEEDED SOMETHING MORE, AND THEN THE OTHER FEELING COMES WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU YOURSELF DID SOMETHING WRONG. I REMEMBER WHEN THE COP GOT THERE AND HAD TO GO BACK OUTSIDE BY HIS CAR AGAIN AND I CAN STILL HEAR MYSELF SCREAMING AS HE TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK OUTSIDE "NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!!" THAT NIGHT IS VAGUE BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT AREN'T VAGUE ABOUT IT. I REGRET NOT TRYING HARDER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AT THE DOCTORS WHEN I WANTED TO BUT FELT LIKE IF I DID THEY WOULD NOT TRY AS HARD TO SAVE HER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AND SCREAMING AT THE AMBULANCE PEOPLE OR THE COPS THAT WERE AT MY HOUSE. I JUST REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF THAT IF I REMAINED CALM IT WOULD ONLY HELP MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE THEN THEY COULD FOCUS MORE ON HER AND SAVING HER. I REMEMBER PRAYING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE FOR GOD TO PLEASE MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT AND HELP MY LITTLE GIRL. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF SHOULD I CALL FRANK OR DO I WAIT AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL, DO I ASK FOR THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS CELL PHONE SITTING AT HIS WAIST OR DO I NOT DISTRACT HIM AS THE ROADS WERE SO ICY THAT NIGHT. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING WHILE WE WERE DRIVING TO BROOKHAVEN THAT PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD ME BROOKHAVEN IS NOT EQUIPPED FOR PEDIATRIC TRAUMA DO I DEMAND THEM TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER SOME WHERE ELSE. SO MANY THINGS FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS BUT NOT ONCE ON THE WAY TO THAT HOSPITAL DID I THINK I WAS GOING TO LEAVE THERE WITH OUT HER. I THOUGHT WELL MAYBE THEY WILL ACTUALLY NOW TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHATS WRONG WITH HER INSTEAD OF TAKING THE SITUATION SO LIGHTLY. BUT NO, I LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH OUT MY DAUGHTER THAT NIGHT, NOT ONLY DID I LEAVE MY LITTLE GIRL BEHIND BUT I DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOOD-BYE I HAD TO TRY AND SAVE HER LIFE AND THEN FROM THERE DEAL WITH DETECTIVES AND DOCTORS WHO THOUGHT I DID SOMETHING TO MY LITTLE GIRL. WHILE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN SAYING GOOD BYE TO HER WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY I GOT TO SIT WITH A DETECTIVE WHILE THE OTHER ONE WAS IN MY HOUSE SEARCHING IT. I HAD TO TELL THE DETECTIVE IN MY HOUSE WHERE THE BLANKET WAS THAT HAILEY VOMITED ON THE NIGHT BEFORE. I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW.OR MAYBE I AM BECAUSE IT'S JUST A BAD DAY!! I LOOK AROUND AND SEE WINTER IS COMING WHICH MEANS JANUARY IS COMING WHICH MEANS ONE YEAR HAS GONE BY AND STILL THERE IS NO CLOSURE TO THIS, WILL THERE EVER BE? I SEE THE LEAFS AND THAT REMINDS ME OF ONEDAY WHEN I LEFT WORK EARLY TO GET HER TO THE DOCTORS AND I PULLED UP HAILEY AND MY MOM WERE OUTSIDE PLAYING WITH THE LEAFS TOGETHER. HAILEY SPOTTED ME AND CAME RUNNING OVER WITH THE LEAF IN HER HAND SO EXCITED TO SHOW ME THAT SHE WAS HOLDING A LEAF. I REMEMBER SHE GOT UPSET BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LET HER HOLD THE LEAF IN THE BACK SEAT AFRAID SHE WOULD PUT IT IN HER MOUTH AND SHE GOT SO UPSET, I JUST WISH I WOULD HAVE LET HER HOLD THAT LEAF. I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING, THINKING THERE WOULD BE PLENTY OF MORE LEAFS FOR HER TO HOLD WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER PUTTING THEM IN HER MOUTH. YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE STILL HERE, BUT BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR CHILD NO REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SAYING BECAUSE IN ALL ACTUALITY IT MAY NOT EVEN REALLY BE A BIG DEAL.