SO SUMMER IS HERE AND I HAVE TO SAY GOING TO THE BEACH WITH BELLA......REALLY BRINGS BACK SOME MEMORIES OF HAILEY.....WE CAN START WITH THE PINK NIKE SANDALS..BUT ITS ALMOST LIKE I PURPOSELY DO IT. I WANT THERE TO BE ALL THESE FLUTTERING MEMORIES EVERYDAY OF HER. BUT I LIKE IT...I LIKE THAT I CAN MAKE HER STILL EXIST IN MY OWN WAY,WHEN NO EVEN KNOWS WHEN I AM DOING IT. I NEVER WANT NOR WANTED ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME NOR HAVE TO FEEL MY PAIN.....I JUST WANT NO ONE TO EVER FORGET ABOUT HER OR BE AFRAID TO SPEAK OF HER. SHE IS SPOKEN OF DAILY IN MY HOUSE....HA...BELLA KNOWS HER NAME AND HOW TO POINT HER OUT ALREADY AND SHE WILL KNOW HER WITH OUT TRULY KNOWING HER, IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.
SOMETIMES I GET ON HERE AND I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE...OTHER THEN TO JUST LET HER KNOW I WAS THINKING OF HER.
I WAS SAYING TO PAUL THE OTHER NIGHT HOW I JUST CANNOT WAIT UNTIL BELLA GETS PASSED BEING 21 MONTHS OLD....ITS ALMOST LIKE THIS WEIGHT I THINK WILL BE LIFTED OFF MY CHEST. SHE WAS SICK NOT TOO LONG AGO AND SHE WAS RUNNING A FEVER AND THEN STILL WHEN SHE WAS DONE RUNNING THE FEVER A FEW NIGHTS AFTER SHE WOULD WAKE UP WITH THIS BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND SOAKING WET IN SWEAT.....SHE WOULD SLEEP IN BED WITH ME FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I WOULD JUST LAY THERE ALL NIGHT RUBBING HER HEAD AND WATCHING HER SLEEP...EYES FILLING UP WITH TEARS...HOPING SHE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. MY MIND PLAYS TRICKS ON ME I GUESS I AM NOT AS STRONG AS ONE WOULD THINK BECAUSE I AM SCARED TO DEATH DAILY WITH BELLA...WHETHER IT BE HER CHOKING OR FALLING..ETC...I THINK I JUST NEED HER TO TURN 21 MONTHS OLD!! LOL!!! LETS HOPE THAT DOES THE TRICK OR I AM GOING TO BE GREY AT A VERY EARLY AGE WITH THESE KIDS!! AS MANY NEGATIVES CAME FROM LOSING HER I STILL TO THIS DAY GO BACK TO THAT ONE POSITIVE LESSON I WAS TAUGHT AND I KNOW I SAY IT EVERY TIME.....LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DON'T MISS A BEAT BECAUSE ONCE ITS GONE ITS GONE.......
I MISS HER AND I THINK OF HER EVERYDAY. I JUST HOPE SHE KNOWS. I HOPE I SHOWED HER ENOUGH WHEN SHE WAS HERE THAT WHEN SHE LEFT SHE LEFT KNOWING HOW LOVED SHE WAS. I FIGHT TEARS AS I SIT HERE AND TYPE THESE STILL TO THIS DAY. SO YEAH I GUESS TIME MAKES IT EASIER TO DEAL WITH BUT IT CERTAINLY DOES NOT HEAL. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS FROM THE NIGHT SHE PASSED THAT I CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER...IS THAT ME BLOCKING THEM OUT OR JUST YOUR BRAIN MAKING YOU FORGET??
I LOOK AT PICTURES AND WONDER WHERE SHE WOULD BE RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE,HOW HER VOICE WOULD SOUND,HOW WOULD SHE WALK,WHO WOULD SHE HAVE FOR HER FIRST TEACHER...THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NORMALLY NOT EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT.......
GUESS ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS---
I LOVE YOU HAILEY BUG...ALWAYS THINKIN OF YOU!!!
SOMETIMES I GET ON HERE AND I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE...OTHER THEN TO JUST LET HER KNOW I WAS THINKING OF HER.
I WAS SAYING TO PAUL THE OTHER NIGHT HOW I JUST CANNOT WAIT UNTIL BELLA GETS PASSED BEING 21 MONTHS OLD....ITS ALMOST LIKE THIS WEIGHT I THINK WILL BE LIFTED OFF MY CHEST. SHE WAS SICK NOT TOO LONG AGO AND SHE WAS RUNNING A FEVER AND THEN STILL WHEN SHE WAS DONE RUNNING THE FEVER A FEW NIGHTS AFTER SHE WOULD WAKE UP WITH THIS BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND SOAKING WET IN SWEAT.....SHE WOULD SLEEP IN BED WITH ME FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I WOULD JUST LAY THERE ALL NIGHT RUBBING HER HEAD AND WATCHING HER SLEEP...EYES FILLING UP WITH TEARS...HOPING SHE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. MY MIND PLAYS TRICKS ON ME I GUESS I AM NOT AS STRONG AS ONE WOULD THINK BECAUSE I AM SCARED TO DEATH DAILY WITH BELLA...WHETHER IT BE HER CHOKING OR FALLING..ETC...I THINK I JUST NEED HER TO TURN 21 MONTHS OLD!! LOL!!! LETS HOPE THAT DOES THE TRICK OR I AM GOING TO BE GREY AT A VERY EARLY AGE WITH THESE KIDS!! AS MANY NEGATIVES CAME FROM LOSING HER I STILL TO THIS DAY GO BACK TO THAT ONE POSITIVE LESSON I WAS TAUGHT AND I KNOW I SAY IT EVERY TIME.....LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DON'T MISS A BEAT BECAUSE ONCE ITS GONE ITS GONE.......
I MISS HER AND I THINK OF HER EVERYDAY. I JUST HOPE SHE KNOWS. I HOPE I SHOWED HER ENOUGH WHEN SHE WAS HERE THAT WHEN SHE LEFT SHE LEFT KNOWING HOW LOVED SHE WAS. I FIGHT TEARS AS I SIT HERE AND TYPE THESE STILL TO THIS DAY. SO YEAH I GUESS TIME MAKES IT EASIER TO DEAL WITH BUT IT CERTAINLY DOES NOT HEAL. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS FROM THE NIGHT SHE PASSED THAT I CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER...IS THAT ME BLOCKING THEM OUT OR JUST YOUR BRAIN MAKING YOU FORGET??
I LOOK AT PICTURES AND WONDER WHERE SHE WOULD BE RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE,HOW HER VOICE WOULD SOUND,HOW WOULD SHE WALK,WHO WOULD SHE HAVE FOR HER FIRST TEACHER...THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NORMALLY NOT EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT.......
GUESS ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS---
I LOVE YOU HAILEY BUG...ALWAYS THINKIN OF YOU!!!
posted by Angel In Disguise at 6/08/2009 09:37:00 PM
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