Little Bugger girl!!

My little bug we miss her so much!! I think about her constantly. I wonder if some people think that over time you forget or there are moments when you don't think about her, but never have I yet to stop thinking of her. I think of her still as often as I did when she was here if not more!! Missing someone sometimes I think is the hardest thing to do in life. Yet missing someone that you know no matter what isn't coming back is that much harder.

Sometimes I come on her blog to just be able to post a picture of her and let her know I am thinking of her and I get here and no matter what I may be feeling there are no words for it or no words that come to me to type. So I may ramble or repeat myself from time to time but I guess that is part of missing someone. It hurts, its the worst hurt in the world. I wouldn't wish it on Osama!! LOL!!

You wonder why these things happen to families like ours. People always say "Amanda, you were a good Mommy to her", and I know I was not just because I was her mommy but also because I knew she and I were best friends and it would have always remained that way as she grew. Getting back to being a good mom,if I was such a good mommy to her why was she taken away from me?? You have people in this world that do drugs while they are pregnant with their children, you have people that don't take care of their children, people that beat their children and people that abandon their children in dumpsters,famous people who do drugs while they are pregnant and then as well as after the fact and never once think about how that child will feel when mommy leaves and won't be around to take care of them....Selfish people. And yet this happens to us..People who took care of their children, take them to the doctors, take them to Sesame place,love them, hold them, kiss them constantly and this happens??Who says we have Guardian angels assigned to us individually..where was my daughters that day??I know mine was their with me because I got strength that night that I never knew I had in me. I never knew that I could keep such control of myself and do what needed to be done that I could look back today and say I tried everything in my power to save my daughter from the Heimlich to CPR, calling 911 and staying calm in front of my son...so calm in front of Alex that when my sister got there to pick him up and asked whats going on, hie response was "ahhh Hailey choked but she will be alright!!" He though his baby sister was coming home that night, do you know what its like to tell a little boy that his sister went to see God and she is not coming home ever again, no matter what he wishes for on his next birthday!! Yup that was the conversation that I have had with Alex numerous times. he knows now, he knows she is gone and watches him everyday from above.

Happy Valentines Day to our Bug!!

Timmy and Jilly on New Years eve

This was our little Bugs first Halloween!!

Our second Valentines day with out our baby girl!! I am going to go visit her tomorrow morning to drop off her valentines day present!! Not sure if I already talked about it, however I will talk about it again in case I didn't. I was on line at Marshalls and I spotted this cute Valentines day decoration. I picked it up and it had a few lady bugs crawling above letters that spell out "Bugs and Kisses" I cannot wait to bring it own there tomorrow morning and see those pin wheels going nuts as she plays in the snow!! ;)!!

I always have to wonder if she knows and sees all of the things that go on here. You watch movies and hear people's stories however you still wonder. I wonder everyday if she is okay,if she looks down here and misses us,cries for us etc...... The feeling I get is the feeling you would get if your child was locked away from you and just calling your name over and over again,no matter how hard you try you can't find him/her . That's how I feel when I think about if she can see us and what must run through her head. And yet I am her mother and I can't help her nor myself with that feeling other than just hop for the best that she is watching over all of the kids in our family .

I also want to let everyone know that Timothy is home and doing better. They had to send him home with his wound open, however his wonderful mommy, daddy and don't forget that wonderful twin sister he has(cutie pie Jilly) are taking wonderful care of him and last I heard he is doing good!!! Jilly helps her mommy and daddy change his bandages,those two absolutely amaze me. I could sit with Lori all day and listen to her storties about the things they do together. Twins alone are amazing but these two are the best they are too much!!

Ughhh....a sigh of relief

Sometimes I really wonder if I am making these things happen or ig my baby girl truly giving me the signs that I ask her?? Frank and I basically have decided that we want to have another baby. However we both are still scared at the same time. However lastnight I was sitting on the couch having one of my bad nights histerically crying talking out loud to her. In speaking to her I asked her to give me a sign that she is okay with us having another baby and that the new baby will be safe and healthy. Now let me take you back to another interesting story before I continue this one:Awhile back I had a dream about Hailey and it involved me naming another baby and in my dream Hailey gave me the name. So now going back to the first story I asked Hailey for that sign.... I stopped crying and stopped talking to her and started watching CSI and low and behold the person that happend to be on CSI lastnights name was the name (a different name) that Hailey gave to me. I said thank you baby girl, there is my sign that I asked for. Normally maybe I wouldn't take that as the sign I was asking for however you don't understand the name that Hailey gave to me in my dream is a name that you don't hear to often, it is a very uncommon name. I was so happy for the rest of the night and not because of the good news that she gave me, but because I really think it was her sign to me and that makes me so happy that she heard all of the things I said to her lastnight. She heard me tell her how much I love and miss her, she heard me tell her how much I want to hug and kiss her, she heard me tell her that I want her to come and most important she heard me tell her how sorry I am for not being able to help her that night. She heard me and you have no idea how special that is......................................