I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!

I could sit here and tell you over and over again how bad I want her back!! It's not fair!! I keep hoping oneday she will come back home like she was only kidnapped or something. You don't understand this empty feeling. It's this emptiness that no matter how hard you try to fill it,nothing works. Nothing works. Whats next? Where do you go from here? How do you start anew when the old was stolen from you without even the chance to say good-bye!! Or give one last hug and kiss, tell her how much you love her,give her the chance to stay and you take the pain for her. Where is this all fair? What did I do to deserve her being taken away from me? I think back to that day and I cannot believe this happened, she was fine all day(aside from her normal congestion) but she was fine, she was getting into my cabinets,playing with the tupperware and babyfood jars. She was running around with Alex-I don't get it! I don't understand why we were not even given the chance to say goodbye?We hurt and we hurt everyday and I want this pain to go away. I want to walk there and get her,I want to bring her home to her family where she belongs. I want her to be here to make a difference in this silly world.I guarantee she would have, I guarantee she would have made the world a better place. Look what she has done for me, she made me who I am today. I have changed, I have a changed in away where I will always promise to try and see the good before lashing out and seeing the bad. I wish I knew where she was and what she was doing right now? I know I shouldn't be asking where she is we all can assume she is in heaven, however when something like this happens you tend to wonder if there was really someone up there watching they would know we were not bad parents, we were kind people -why would he take such a loved child away from us? Why damn-it???? I want answers I wanna know I am not accepting what the medical examiner said I know this was something she was born with I know there is so much more to this and no one is finding it!!I promise one thing I will know what happened to her and I will let the person know who screwed up and I will let the world know how this doctors screw up caused the life of my little girl!! Angry, ohhhhh you have no idea!!!

Split Second!!

Today is one of those fragile days!! I woke up this morning and missed her like you cannot believe. I look around and no matter how many answers you get to all of this, it will never make sense. Why do innocent children get ill, why do innocent children die? They have not yet been able to experience anything in life why take that from them? There is so much bad in the world why take from the good? So many questions that will never be answered, whelp as I said before he better be prepared for me when I get there, because he is going to have alot of explaining to do. I understand he himself went through this and he can feel our pain, but why make another family feel that pain. Is that supposed to make us feel special? Wrong, it doesn't. She changed the people we are today, well she changed the person I am today, I'm sure she changed most others. I keep trying to do good things and go out of my way to help people in hoping that she will come back. I almost think at times that maybe she was taken away from us because I am being punished for something. I can sit here and think what could I have done so wrong in life to have her taken away from me. Everyday I try, I try to be a better person that what I was before.I try to have more patience with Alex, I try to help people when I see they need help.I just hope that if I continue dooing that I will get her back. Then I realize thats not possible!!Your mind works in mysterious ways!! It is almost scarry what your mind can do to you.The only thing I can say is do not take a single day for granted with anyone around you in life,because in a split second it can all be taken away from you, and to make matters worse it can be taken away from with no explanation,no warnings,and never given back!!

The Final Word

Whelp we finally got their answers as to why we lost our little bug. The medical examiner called me yesterday 7/6/06 to give us the answers. If you would like to know please call me, I would rather not post it. I don't know our new phone number yet, we have one but I haven't memorized it yet. One of those things Hailey took with her, my memory!! We thought the answers would make us feel better,but were we ever so wrong!! It was finalizing everything and when she told me I thought to myself I didn't want to know but I did at the same time. It was like someone told me she died all over again. I don't know how we do it. I don't understand how your body works at all. It just puts this wall up that there are days you cannot feel the pain,but other days boy let me tell ya, it hurts and it hurts bad! Like I said in one of the comments I posted I just wish we could pick up the phone and dial 1-800-heaven and talk to her! Time doesn't heal so far time has only hurt a little more and more everytime you have one of those fragile days, I like to call them! This was not supposed to happen, I can tell you that much!! She had alot of things going on that no one had any clue to aside from Frank and I,but no one wanted to hear it, no one cared like we did. I thought thats what made a doctor a doctor the fact that they didn't feel for the child so they were able to take the problem head on and figure it out, but inall actuality I think it is all one big guessing game and with out performing necessary tests they don't know half as much as the mommy and daddy know. I just don't get how one person playing a guessing game in life can make so much money. I know in my line of work if I guessed for a second there goes that insureds entire lively hood!! I think parents should automatically have the capability of getting testing done as much as a doctor, they always said mom and dad know best, so if wee know best why can't we say as a parent I want this test done and it gets done?? But I guess everything happens for a reason and going back to the religion side of it all maybe she served her purpose and she was able to move on to bigger and better things. I just hope she every once in awhile takes a glimpse down here to see how loved she is and will always be!!
Before I go I want to say that even though we have answers that does not mean this blog will end. It will continue for as long as I am around!! However if anybody has pictures feel free to e-mail them to me so I can continue putting pictures on!! Especially if its pictures of you and her together!!