NO MORE SURPRISES.............

HUGHHH... WHERE TO BEGIN ALL OF THE TIME... WHELP WE WENT TO BABES R US TOGETHER ON FATHERS DAY. IT WAS INTERESTING. WE ENJOYED IT YET COULDN'T FIGURE OUT IF WE SHOULD BE FEELING GUILTY,HAPPY ETC.. BUT WE DID IT, WE REGISTERED AS REQUESTED BY THOSE OF YOU AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IT WAS EXCITING YET A LOT OF THE THINGS SHE HAD AS FAR AS HER TOYS THEY STILL HAVE, SO FROM TIME TO TIME WHILE IN THERE WE WOULD PICK CERTAIN THINGS UP AND LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER,LIKE DO WE DARE GET THE SAME TOYS?? WHO CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AS TO ARE WE DOING WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG?? BUT I WILL BOTTOM LINE IT, THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. ITS WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. THE HARDEST THING TO PICK OUT WAS THE CRIB MATTRESS, I FELT GUILTY REPLACING THAT, BUT I CAN'T CHANCE A GERM OR WHATEVER, BUT THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO THAT DAY. YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART NEVER WORK AS ONE,ITS AMAZING. I MISS HER AND I HOPE SHE KNOWS WE ARE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE HER, YET ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE PIECES OF HER IN ISABELLA. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS TAKEN FROM US AND YET ANOTHER IS BEING GIVEN TO US. I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT THAT ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME, WHICH IS WHAT I GUESS LEAVES ME SCARED, AS THOUGH IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN. I GET SCARED FROM TIME TO TIME AND THEN ANOTHER PART OF ME IS SO EXCITED. I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY, TO FORM A BIGGER UNIT,BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SCARED. I DON'T WANT THIS MESS OF EMOTIONS ANYMORE. I WISH I COULD LEND THEM OUT FOR A DAY.....LOL!!ANY TAKERS??LOL!! SHE WAS MY FIRST LITTLE GIRL, SHE WAS SO VERY SPECIAL TO ME FROM THE DAY SHE WAS BORN I CALLED THAT LITTLE GIRL MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE HER OR THE RELATIONSHIP SHE AND I HAD. I FORGET WHO I USED TO BE. I FORGET THE AMANDA I ONCE WAS.I WONDER IF SHE WILL EVER COME BACK, GOD I HAVE CHANGED THROUGH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS THROUGH THIS LIFE AND COULD I HAVE THE PERSON I AM TODAY STAY FOR AWHILE?? NO MORE SURPRISES PLEASE...............................

Whelp as you can see Hailey was beating up Alex, Love this picture they were so awesome together, he would do anything for that little girl and she absolutely adored him.

So sorry I haven't been on and added on. Doesn't mean I didn't think of her 24/7 as always however just really haven't been near a computer long enough to sit down and add. Our computer at home is dead. Anyway as you all know life has brought some interesting things our way in the past few months. We found out we are having a little girl, and I say hand selected by our little Bug!! I get scared,I get happy, I get emotional. There are just so many emotions running within that sometimes all of them combined can be over whelming. However the excitement of it all takes power and hold of me. Which I guess is a good thing. I think about certain things, such as I wonder will this baby girl have my little Hailey's spanky laugh or that pitch when she was in the play pen and would say "up, up mommy/daddy" I wonder these things and get so excited that we maybe able to hear those wonderful things again and then that's when i stop and think could it happen again?? We took every precaution but as the medical examiner told us what Hailey passed from was not something she was born with. The only thing we can keep telling ourselves at this point is we now know the signs and symptoms and we know what to accept from a doctor and what not to. I just please wish for everyone to say a little prayer that a healthy little girl be sent down to us,I think thinking that Hailey hand picked her helps make me think that she would only send a healthy baby to us. Could God put us through that twice? he himself only went through it once, could he, would he make a family suffer so bad twice?? It is scary but as Frank and I have decided we cannot live in fear, he is better at that than I!! He is my foundation, my rock, my support system and I too am his,we lean on one another. With out him I don't think I could have been half as strong as I have been. So my dear if you are reading this know I love you with all my heart!! You have molded me into the person I am today and I love you for that. I think we make a great team!! It was either going to make us or break us and look we made it, not only did we make it but we are stronger than we ever were and I think that was our little Bugs gift that she left behind. She is good at those little gifts. She leaves the for everyone you just have to know when to open your eyes and accept it from her. She'll let you know.

I love you baby girl and we miss you everyday!!! So much!! It hurts!!!