My baby girl spent Christmas with Jesus this year!!

Merry Christmas my little angel baby!! I don't know where to begin on how our Holiday went without you!! I can tell you that I made sure I was non-stop and we kept ourselves busy this Holiday!! I don't want you to think for a second though that I wasn't thinking of you the whole way through!! I made sure there was a picture of you in every room that people were in so it was kind of like you could be there!!

It was difficult waking up Christmas morning and knowing someone was missing!! Especially watching Alex open his gifts from Santa on his own. I think what bothered me the most was that ALex didn't even mention his sister Christmas morning, And I know I should be happy about that as he is doing ok with this whole thing and he will get through it alright. But part of me wanted him to mention her at that point as I guess I wanted a reason to be able to fall apart. But I knew he was ok and therefore Frank and I had no choice but to continue remaining strong for Alex!! When does it all end when does all the pain go away or atleast subside?? I can't remember who we once were. Me myself as my own person, Frank and I as a couple, and then the four of us as a unit, now there is only three of us forming that unit and when the holidays come like this it's not the overall holiday that kills inside it's the little things. For example the Christmas lights or decorating the tree. Things that bring back memories of her for that specific Holiday!! But those are also the things that get us through the holidays. Kind of funny how things and your mind work!!
Tis the season I guess right?? Thankful everything went well!!And we were able to get through it alright. Just to kind of give everyone a heads up:possibly the Sunday before 1/16 we will be having a service at Our Lady Of The Snow were Hailey was baptised for Hailey. I will give the exact date and time details after everything is arranged but try and leave that date open if you would like to attend.

All we can do is make the best out of them.......

As the days go by it seems to get harder, not sure if that is because of the holiday rapidly approaching us or if it is because right after the holiday it will be one year since we lost our little Bug!! I can only tell you that we have our days or atleast I know I do. I can wake up in the morning and feel as though everything will be alright and by the time I start driving to work uncontrollably the tears are falling down my face. The Christmas lights are so difficult to look at as she would be so amazed right now!!
Its funny because this weekend I was at my sisters and Santa Claus came around on the fire truck for the kids, Alex was not with me he was with his dad, and Sarah clung to me. The funny part of the whole thing is that I needed that!! Like I said I didn't have Alex with me and obviously my little girl wasn't there. Everyone from the Fire Dept. came into Janessa and John's house to kick a few back and eat some food, while everyone was hanging out Sarah was playing shy and just hung on me, she wanted to be in my arms at all times and if she wasn't in my arms we were playing hide-n-go-seek. Like I said I needed that, I felt like maybe besides my niece just loving her auntie Amanda maybe it was Hailey making her do that, to put me at ease knowing that this house full of people knew what happened to Hailey, and I was feeling so uneasy because they knew that Hailey was there last year to see Santa come through and you feel people look at you as though they don't know what to say, so the fact that Sarah was the way she was, was so awesome!! I love that little God Daughter of mine!! I had alot of fun with her this weekend!! Can't wait to give her all those presents we bought her!!LOL!!! I find now since everything happened I rather hang with the kids lately, I attach myself to them instantly and that was so never me!! We found in the ornament Christmas box this year a project Hailey did in daycare and it has her picture in the middle of it. This picture is so who Hailey truly was, her pigtails look like she must have ripped them out twenty times that day, her hair is greasy with chicken nugget grease in it, and she looks absolutely exhausted from playing all day with the other kids!! But yet there is that gleaming smile and Janessa, she has that twinkle in those eyes!! You look at this project on the front of my refrigerator and you have no choice to cry for so many different emotions. The first is happiness because that smile is just a smile that can tell you everything is alright, and then hurt because you so badly want to wrap your arms around her and squeeze, then you have this gut wrenching feeling of Oh My God, because there is that twinkle, there is that smile with those pudgy cheeks and to top it all off she is wearing the outfit that she is wearing today!! The only thing missing is her Angel wings!!

Merry Christmas from Heaven

Someone very near and dear gave me a Christmas ornament this year and this is the poem it came with:

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on the cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in his grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

(I had to do this picture again because it just brings me back to when I taught her how to make that face and stick her tongue out with food on it!! Just like someone once taught me and you know who you are!!) look at that face and those teeth and can still feel those teeth nailing me in the mouth when she would go to kiss me!! I can still feel it and yet I can't, I just need to feel that again!! And I never will, that hurts that hurts more than anything in the world. It's not like she is away or lost she is gone and there is no way to change that ever!! I still have this lump in my throat that every once in awhile it flares up where it almost hurts my throat and then the tears come, I never had that feeling before until all of this. I think this all really did some changes on me not just emotionally and mentally but physically as well!!

World Wide Candle Lighting

I just wanted to let everyone know that December 10,2006 is world wide candle lighting day. At 7:00P.M. for all who know or have lost a child please light a candle on that day at 7:00P.M. Light a candle for the children who have died so that their light may always shine!! When you log onto www.compassionatefriends.com you can see that this is being done around the globe on that day at that time. I will be putting my candle outside so Hailey can see!! Light your candles at 7:00 and let them burn for one hour!! Thank You!!!!!