Things I Need To Say......

God Bug!! I miss you so much!! I just wish I could hold you and love you for a little bit longer!! I look at pictures of you and I can't wrap myself around any of this. I can't figure out if we did something or didn't do enough for you? Was it something genetic? Was it something between Daddy and I that just doesn't mix? I can't under stand how or why, but there I go again torturing myself because these answers I will never have. Alex and I were talking in the doctors office lastnight and I asked him what he was getting me for Chrsitmas and he told me he got it already, I asked him if he was getting you back for me and he said "Mommy I ask everynight for us to have her back". I then asked him if he had you here today, what would he do with you, and his reply was" I would play with her until she fell asleep with me!!" I picture the two of you playing in the new house together and it sucks that your not here anymore!! AWhy did you leave bug?? Why?? You completed us all!! We are sorting through things with someone trying to get answers for this Bug, don't think for a second we are just accepting this without a fight because we won't!! You should know us better than that ecspecially that Daddy of yours!! He feels helpless that he can't get you back for me and Alex never mind himself!! You know him would do anything for the three of us at all times and I know this has to be driving him nuts that he is completely not in control of this one!! I think since you left us though you have made alot of positive things happen for us and I do appreciate that however I would much rather have you back though!! =) But I'm sure you know that!! I hope you like that Christmas tree, I can picture you just staring at it with that gleam and glitter in your eyes!! Anything you were interested and enjoyed looking at you always had that gleam and glow in those beautiful angel eyes of yours!! I need you to come and let us know that Christmas eve you are there with us all as well as Christmas morning!! There will be present sunder the tree for you with your name on them!! I promise!! I miss you baby girl!! Starting to go cross eyed now. Can't see the keyboard..I love you baby!! Oh wait forgot to tell you, I had a license plate made up for the truck, it says mismybug!!

Hello everyone!! Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Our's was great!! Janessa put together a great feast!! Good job Nessa!! I'm sure Hailey was there playing with the kids and snatching the cookies from under the table without us all even knowing!! It's funny because I guess from staying at Janessa's after everything happend, I feel like when I am there for some kind of function and the family is there, I feel as though Frank, Alex and I are that much closer to Hailey as though she knew we were staying there and thats now where she is and where she goes. It's funny how our minds work-huh? Sorry Nessa but you can never move you are stuck there!! LOL!! We all had a wonderful holiday and know how to make the best out of what we were dealt in life!! Which I guess is a good thing.. what hurts us today only makes us stronger tomorrow..right?? However moving on from Thanksgiving Sunday night was not a good night for some reason, everyone on my block did there Christmas lights between Saturday and Sunday and SUnday night they all turned them on.. I went outside and tears just raced down as I saw all these families out front showing their little ones the lights!! I know in my heart of hearts she would have flipped seeing all of those lights!! Janessa went and bought the Christmas tree for down by Hailey and my mom found the solar Christmas tree lights for outside and we all decorated her tree and brought it down to her!! Frank was pushing it out to the car on the hand truck when one of the ornaments fell off and you will never guess who fell off the........No one other than the wonderous Boots!!She loved him she was like hey where you taking him, I want to play with him!! That made us all feel good!! We did the tree no other way than how she wanted it!! One night this week you all should take a ride down there and check out the tree in the dark, it looks beautiful!! Bring an ornament if you want, feel free to stick it on, if you can find room!! LOL!! She would love it!! She liked the Christmas balls too, She loved the lights though as you can see from the picture I will be posting with this!! She was amazing!!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY BUG!!

WE WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND STARTED WATCHING THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE, WHELP THAT WAS THE START OF THE GLORIOUS HOLIDAYS HEADING OUR WAY!! THE FIRST CHANNEL WE STARTED WATCHING IT ON HAD LAURIE BERKNER PERFORMING THE BUMBLE BEE SONG. WHELP IMMEDIATELY BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES AND THAT FOLKS IS HOW OUR FIRST THANKSGIVING BEGAN WITH OUT HAILEY BUG. I'M GOING TO GO NOW BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET ALEX AND FRANK READY AND MOVING!! HAILEY BUG HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND MAKE SURE YOU STOP IN AT JANESSA'S TO PLAY WITH THE KIDS!! I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL AND WE WILL BE DOWN THERE TO SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE, IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU CAN MAE THE RAIN STOP FOR A BRIEF MOMENT!!MISS YOU BUG!

IT'S A BAD DAY

I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM HAVING A BAD DAY TODAY. I HAVE THIS KNOT IN MY STOMACH THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY AND I AM FEARING THE WINTER ACTUALLY COMING. IT'S JUST THIS FEELING THAT IS SO UNEXPLAINABLE THAT CAN JUST TAKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. IT BRINGS ME TO A POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. IT'S AS IF I AM BACK IN THE HOUSE ON MY KNEES IN THE HALLWAY GIVING MY LITTLE GIRL CPR, YET KNOWING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND IT WASN'T HELPING HER SHE NEEDED SOMETHING MORE, AND THEN THE OTHER FEELING COMES WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU YOURSELF DID SOMETHING WRONG. I REMEMBER WHEN THE COP GOT THERE AND HAD TO GO BACK OUTSIDE BY HIS CAR AGAIN AND I CAN STILL HEAR MYSELF SCREAMING AS HE TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK OUTSIDE "NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!!" THAT NIGHT IS VAGUE BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT AREN'T VAGUE ABOUT IT. I REGRET NOT TRYING HARDER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AT THE DOCTORS WHEN I WANTED TO BUT FELT LIKE IF I DID THEY WOULD NOT TRY AS HARD TO SAVE HER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AND SCREAMING AT THE AMBULANCE PEOPLE OR THE COPS THAT WERE AT MY HOUSE. I JUST REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF THAT IF I REMAINED CALM IT WOULD ONLY HELP MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE THEN THEY COULD FOCUS MORE ON HER AND SAVING HER. I REMEMBER PRAYING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE FOR GOD TO PLEASE MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT AND HELP MY LITTLE GIRL. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF SHOULD I CALL FRANK OR DO I WAIT AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL, DO I ASK FOR THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS CELL PHONE SITTING AT HIS WAIST OR DO I NOT DISTRACT HIM AS THE ROADS WERE SO ICY THAT NIGHT. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING WHILE WE WERE DRIVING TO BROOKHAVEN THAT PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD ME BROOKHAVEN IS NOT EQUIPPED FOR PEDIATRIC TRAUMA DO I DEMAND THEM TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER SOME WHERE ELSE. SO MANY THINGS FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS BUT NOT ONCE ON THE WAY TO THAT HOSPITAL DID I THINK I WAS GOING TO LEAVE THERE WITH OUT HER. I THOUGHT WELL MAYBE THEY WILL ACTUALLY NOW TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHATS WRONG WITH HER INSTEAD OF TAKING THE SITUATION SO LIGHTLY. BUT NO, I LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH OUT MY DAUGHTER THAT NIGHT, NOT ONLY DID I LEAVE MY LITTLE GIRL BEHIND BUT I DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOOD-BYE I HAD TO TRY AND SAVE HER LIFE AND THEN FROM THERE DEAL WITH DETECTIVES AND DOCTORS WHO THOUGHT I DID SOMETHING TO MY LITTLE GIRL. WHILE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN SAYING GOOD BYE TO HER WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY I GOT TO SIT WITH A DETECTIVE WHILE THE OTHER ONE WAS IN MY HOUSE SEARCHING IT. I HAD TO TELL THE DETECTIVE IN MY HOUSE WHERE THE BLANKET WAS THAT HAILEY VOMITED ON THE NIGHT BEFORE. I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW.OR MAYBE I AM BECAUSE IT'S JUST A BAD DAY!! I LOOK AROUND AND SEE WINTER IS COMING WHICH MEANS JANUARY IS COMING WHICH MEANS ONE YEAR HAS GONE BY AND STILL THERE IS NO CLOSURE TO THIS, WILL THERE EVER BE? I SEE THE LEAFS AND THAT REMINDS ME OF ONEDAY WHEN I LEFT WORK EARLY TO GET HER TO THE DOCTORS AND I PULLED UP HAILEY AND MY MOM WERE OUTSIDE PLAYING WITH THE LEAFS TOGETHER. HAILEY SPOTTED ME AND CAME RUNNING OVER WITH THE LEAF IN HER HAND SO EXCITED TO SHOW ME THAT SHE WAS HOLDING A LEAF. I REMEMBER SHE GOT UPSET BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LET HER HOLD THE LEAF IN THE BACK SEAT AFRAID SHE WOULD PUT IT IN HER MOUTH AND SHE GOT SO UPSET, I JUST WISH I WOULD HAVE LET HER HOLD THAT LEAF. I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING, THINKING THERE WOULD BE PLENTY OF MORE LEAFS FOR HER TO HOLD WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER PUTTING THEM IN HER MOUTH. YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE STILL HERE, BUT BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR CHILD NO REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SAYING BECAUSE IN ALL ACTUALITY IT MAY NOT EVEN REALLY BE A BIG DEAL.

GIGGLES

LOOK AT THAT FACE!! I MUST SAY SHE WAS TRULY A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL! PERSONALITY WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! SHE COULD BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY WITH OUT EVEN TRYING!!I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD TAKE HER. SOMEONE SO POSITIVE TO THE WORLD WE ARE IN TODAY!! MAYBE THAT'S WHY MAYBE SHE WAS TOO GOD FOR THIS WORLD!! I WONDER WHAT SHE'S DOING RIGHT NOW, OR BETTER YET I WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW IF SHE WAS STILL HERE?? SHE WAS A TRUE MIRACLE! ANYONE WHO GOT TO EXPERIENCE HER FIRST HAND COULD ONLY AGREE!! I MISS HEARING HER LITTLE FEET RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE OR HER LITTLE VOICE SAYING "UP, UP MOMMY"!! SHE WAS SOMETHING ELSE!! IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE THEY ALL LOVED HER SHE WOULD MAKE THEM ALL LAUGH ALL OF THE TIME!! I GUESS SHE JUST FEEL THROUGH THE CRACKS ON THEM THOUGH. WHICH IS COMPLETELY NOT FAIR!! FOR ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN BEECHES DID YOU KNOW THAT HILLARY DIED IN THAT MOVIE FROM THE SAME THING HAILEY DID, DID YOU ALSO KNOW IN THAT MOVIE THEY SING YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE AND I USED TO SING THAT SONG TO HER EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. WE NEVER MISSED A NIGHT WITH THAT SONG, BUT LOOK HOW FAR THAT GOT ME!! YOU ASK FOR YOUR SUNSHINE ON A DAILY BASIS TO NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY AND THEN POOF!! IT'S GONE!! SHE WAS MY SUNSHINE AND WHEN THE SUN OR THE MOON COMES OUT THAT'S OUR LITTLE HAILEY!! ASK SARAH SHE'LL TELL YOU WHICH STAR SHE IS AT NIGHT!! I TRULY BELIEVE KIDS, THE INNOCENT KNOW ALOT MORE ABOUT THIS THEN WE DO. SARAH HAS COME OUT WITH SOME STUFF WHERE SHE TELLS YOU THINGS THAT HAILEY SAYS TO HER SINCE EVERYTHING IN JANUARY!!

THINKING BACK

YOU THINK BACK TO THOSE DAYS AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TODAY SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH US...THAT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND I NEVER THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEONE COULD TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS SUCH A GOOD MOMMY AND I WATCHED MY CHILDREN LIKE A HAWK AND I DID NOTHING BUT TRY TO INSTILL THE BEST IN THEM TO ALWAYS MAKE THE BEST DECISIONS IN LIFE. BUT NOW I SEE, NOW I SEE THAT EVEN BEING A MOMMY YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING! I REMEMBER THAT DAY, I REMEMBER JUST LOOKING AT HER AND THINKING I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE IS MINE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE MY VERY OWN LITTLE GIRL. SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO GROW UP AND BE MY BEST FRIEND AS I WITH MY MOM.THAT WAS STOLEN FROM ME!! ONEDAY I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FOLLOWED MY DAILY ROUTINE AND TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL TO THE DOCTORS TO ONLY COME HOME TO A NIGHTMARE. THE NEXT MORNING AFTER THAT NIGHT I SWORE I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AND NOT BE AT MY SISTERS, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AND FIND THIS ALL TO BE A DREAM. NOPE... I DID, I WOKE UP AT MY SISTERS AND REMEMBER LOOKING OUT HER SKY LIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM BEFORE ANYONE ELSE WAS AWAKE AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS A SIEGEL FLEW OVER I WONDER IF SHE'S UP THERE LOOKING DOWN RIGHT NOW?THATS WHEN I HEARD EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE WAKE UP, I HEARD THEM LET THE DOG OUT AND THATS WHEN I REALIZED LIFE IS STILL GOING ON. I THINK I THOUGHT BECAUSE WE LOST HAILEY LIFE WAS GOING TO STOP FOR US ALL. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT IS WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR. REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS AND GIVE ME A BETTER ANSWER THEN WHAT OTHERS HAVE GIVEN: IF ONEDAY YOU CAME HOME FROM WORK AND TOOK YOUR CHILD TO THE DOCTORS AND RETURNED HOME FOR NOT EVEN ONE HOUR AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW WHILE FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN DINNER YOUR ON THE FLOOR GIVING CPR TO YOUR CHILD WHO THEN DIES IN YOUR ARMS ON THAT VERY FLOOR , HOW DOES LIFE GO ON?? HOW DO WE DO THIS GUYS, AND I DON'T MEAN JUST ME, I MEAN ALL OF US.ANYONE OF US WHO HAILEY TOUCHED!! THE ONLY THING I HAVE COME TO A POINT OF IS THAT I LIVE EVERY DAY FOR HER, I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SHE IS THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND, I GET TO WORK AND SHE IS THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND, I EAT LUNCH AND SHE IS ALL THAT IS ON MY MIND ETC... I CANNOT FATHOM WHAT IT IS THAT WE DID TO DESERVE THIS, WHAT IT IS THAT ANYONE DOES TO DESERVE SUCH A NIGHTMARE!! I JUST TRY AND PICTURE HER RUNNING INTO THE KITCHEN OR WHAT T WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE HE HERE IN THE NEW HOUSE. WOULD SHE LIKE IT HERE, WE ALL KNOW HOW HAILEY LOVED TO BE HOME!! SHE WAS MY LITTLE HERMIT AND I REALLY HAVE TO SAY SHE TURNED ME INTO A HERMIT. SHE LOVED TO BE HOME, SHE WANTED TO BE HOME IN HER LIVINGROOM WITH HER TOYS SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR WITH THE TV ON!! THAT MADE HER DAY!! OH AND SHE LOVED SUNDAYS SHE KNEW WHERE TO FIND FRANK SITTING AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER WATCHING TV AND SHE WOULD GO IN THERE AND MUNCH ON WHATEVER HE WAS STUFFING IN HIS MOUTH OR SHE WOULD BRING ONE BY ONE HER TOYS INTO THE BACKROOM TO PLAY WITH THEM, JUST TO BE CLOSER TO HER DADDY. BUT THEN SHE WOULD HERE LORI BERKNER COME ON TV AND SING " I GOT A SONG IN MY TUMMY" AND SHE WOULD GO FLYING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO WATCH ALL THE LITTLE KIDS ON TV. SHE LOVED KIDS, SHE LOVED WATCHING THEM, SHE LOVED PLAYING WITH THEM. NOW I TRULY BELIEVE HAILEY IS UP THERE TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST FOR THESE ILL CHILDREN THA ARE DOWN HERE AND IF SHE CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE WAY TO HELP I SAY HE AS THE GATE WAITING TO GREET THEM AND SHOW THEM AROUND!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO MY LITTLE ANGEL CUTIE PIE!! WE MISSED HAVING YOU TRICK OR TREAT WITH US!!WE LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!! I KNOW WE DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE WITH US LASTNIGHT BUT I KNOW YOU WERE THERE WITH US WITH YOUR LITTLE ANGEL WINGS ON!!