AFTER SHOCK....................

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY LOSS. I MAY OFTEN FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED--OR TO ASK YOU WHY IT HAPPENED. I MAY FREQUENTLY NEED FOR YOU TO LISTEN WHILE I EXPLAIN WHAT THIS LOSS MEANS TO ME. EACH TIME I DISCUSS MY LOSS, I AM HELPING MYSELF FACE REALITY OF THE DEATH OF HAILEY. I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME. I NEED TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH,YOUR HUGS. I NEED YOU TO JUST BE WITH ME. AND I NEED TO BE WITH YOU. I NEED FOR YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME AND IN MY ABILITY TO GET THROUGH THIS GRIEF IN MY OWN WAY--AND IN MY OWN TIME. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME NOW--OR THINK THAT I'M BEHAVING STRANGELY. REMEMBER I'M GRIEVING. I MAY BE IN SHOCK. I MAY FEEL AFRAID. I MAY FEEL DEEP RAGE. I MAY EVEN FEEL GUILTY THAT I COULDN'T SAVE HAILEY. BUT ABOVE ALL, I HURT. I AM EXPERIENCING A PAIN UNLIKE ANY I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. DON'T BE CONCERNED IF YOU THINK I'M GETTING BETTER AND THEN SUDDENLY I SEEM TO SLIP BACKWARD AGAIN.GRIEF MAKES ME BEHAVE THIS WAY AT TIMES. AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL OR THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET ON WITH MR LIFE. I AM PROBABLY ALREADY SAYING THAT TO MYSELF. I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO BE PATIENT NOW AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND. FINALLY, ALLOW ME THE TIME I NEED TO GRIEVE AND TO RECOVER. I WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE--BUT I KNOW THAT I FIRST MUST WALK THROUGH THE DARK SHADOWS OF MY GRIEF. AND ALTHOUGH IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BELIEVE THIS NOW, I KNOW THAT ONEDAY MY GRIEF WILL END. MOST OF ALL THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND. THANK YOU FOR CARING,FOR HELPING,FOR UNDERSTANDING. THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME. AND REMEMBER, IN THE DAYS OR YEARS AHEAD-AFTER YOU MAY HAVE A LOSS-WHEN YOU NEED ME AS I HAVE NEEDED YOU, I WILL UNDERSTAND, AND THEN I WILL COME AND BE WITH YOU.

Unanswered Questions

I was talking to someone who lost her daughter 35 years ago, and in listening to her I can tell she still has the pain from it all, not only the pain but the anger as well. I don't feel angry, I am upset and hurt but haven't gotten to the anger stage. I just can't bring myself to feel angry with anything to do with her. Who are you supposed to be angry with? If someone was really up there looking over us this wouldn't of happend, so who do you get angry with and blame??? Anyway in talking to her, she was saying how after her daughter passed she still had to raise her other daughter, but she always had this outlook that once she was done raising the other daughter she was done and she would then die to go be with the other daughter that passed and then one morning she woke up to find herself going to her daughters college graduation and said to herself what am I still doing here? I find it weird that she said those words to me, because no matter how dreary that may sound I almost thought the same way, that once I finished raising Alex and he got married and had a life f his own I was done and I could go be with her. But now I realize not that I didn't before but that that is not going to happen. It's weird and hard to explain but when I guess something like this happens you start to get many outlooks on life and how its going to proceed for us. Lastnight Frank and I got on the conversation of another baby and he said to me that he needs more of a morning period, I explained to him that he needs to realize that the sadness we feel is never going to go away not in a year , not in ten years etc... He just looked at me funny, so I said "scarry-huh?" Of course I got no response from him, we know men!!! I just don't know wht to do, I am scared, I am scared that it could happen again, I am scarred that I would be narotic mess with another one, I don't know I guess I need to talk to a doctor, someone who could tell me this was not genetic, that they will watch the babies heart like a hawk!! It's scarry!!WE have some thinking to do. And then I wonder would that make Hailey sad, would it make her think we have forgotten her? It hurts to know that she would look down and have to see that. I can't imagine making her feel sad that she can't be with us. Does she want to be with us right now or does she not know we even exist down here? what's it like for her? We are all sad and lacking her presence here, but whats it like for my 22 month old daughter not to have her mommy, daddy and brother with her anymore? Who's taking care of her? So many unanswered questions for a momand I will never have the answers. I can't deal with that part!!

I do have more pictures of her but for some reason blogger won't let me put them in, it will take photos that I have already used but new ones it won't work. I will keep trying though!! Sorry!!

PIN WHEEL, PIN WHEEL SPINNIN AROUND.....

I WENT TO THE CEMETERY YESTERDAY MORNING TO VISIT THE LITTLE BUG AND LIKE USUAL AS I APPROACHED THE PIN WHEELS STARTED SPINNING. BASICALLY LETS FRANK AND I KNOW IF SHE IS THERE WITH US OR NOT. SO AS I APPROACHED AND SAW THEM SPINNING I GOT EXCITED!! AS I SAT DOWN THERE I WAS TALKING TO HER. NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS ASKING HER QUESTIONS AND AS I ASKED THE QUESTIONS THE PIN WHEEL WOULD SPIN AND THEN STOP SPINNING, SO I TOOK IT AS WHEN THE PIN WHEEL DIDN'T SPIN THAT WAS A NO AND WHEN IT DID SPIN THAT WAS A YES!! I KNOW CALL ME CRAZY BUT I SWEAR THIS IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING!! I ASKED HER IF SHE MISSES US AND THE PIN WHEEL STARTED SPINNING, I THEN ASKED HER IF SHE KNEW HOW MUCH WE MISSED HER AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL STARTED SPINNING. I THEN ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD BE UPSET IF MOMMY AND DADDY DECIDED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY AND THE PIN WHEEL DIDN'T SPIN SO I TOOK IT AS A NO, I THEN ASKED HER IF I WERE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY IF IT WOULD BE HER AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL DID NOT SPIN, WHELP THAT'S WHEN I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE OUT OF ALL OF THE QUESTIONS I ASKED I SO WANTED THE PIN WHEEL TO SPIN ON THAT ONE!! FINALLY I ASKED HER IF SHE COULD HELP ME CONVINCE THAT DADDY OF HERS TO WANT ANOTHER BABY RIGHT NOW AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL DID NOT SPIN, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS THINKING ON THAT ONE, I CANNOT CONVINCE THAT THICK HEADED MAN TO DO ANYTHING MA!!! =) HAHAHA!! I LEFT THE CEMETERY THAT DAY FEELING LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED A LITTLE MORE WITH HER, I LEFT THERE ALMOST FEELING LIKE I REALLY GOT TO SPEND SOME GOOD QUALITY TIME WITH HER, I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD BUT IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD, I GUESS!! I MISS HER AND I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET OUT OF THE LITTLEST AND MOST CRAZY MINDED THINGS!! I GO OUTSIDE AT NIGHT AND TALK TO THE MOON, I GO OUTSIDE AT NIGHT TO SEE IF I CAN HEAR HER THROUGH THE CRICKETS OR THE BIRDS DURING THE DAY. WHEN I AM DOWN VISITING HER I LOOK TO SEE AS I AM LEAVING IF THE WIND IS BLOWING ALMOST THROUGH ME TO SEE IF IT'S HER!! WHEN THE BOARD FELL AT THE LUAU IT WAS AGAIN ONE OF THOSE TIMES WHEN I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LIKE I SPENT SOME ADDITIONAL TIME WITH HER! I JUST WANT HER BACK, I WANT MY LITTLE HAILEY BUG BACK. I LOOK AT THE LITTLE GIRL STEPHANIE ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME AND I SO KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL FRIENDS, STEPHANIE ALSO MAKES ME GO HOME AT NIGHT WANTING ANOTHER CHILD SO BAD, IS THAT NORMAL OR IS THAT ME TRYING TO REPLACE WHAT I LOST EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT LITTLE BUG OF OURS COULD NEVER BE REPLACED????HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE HAVE ANOTHER CHILD THIS ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN?? MAYBE THE MEDICAL EXAMINER WAS WRONG IN HER FINAL REPORT AND IT IS SOMETHING GENETIC, MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING THAT IS JUST GOING TO CONTINUE TO HAPPEN, WE CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!HOW DO I KNOW IF IT IS SAFE FOR US TO MOVE FORWARD ON A DECISION?? I'M SCARED YET SO BADLY WANT TO MOVE FORWARD AND TRY AGAIN JUST TO GET A PIECE OF HER BACK.

The Childrens Foundation Of Suffolk Inc.

Whelp this pat weekend was the annual luau for the Childrens Foundation and this year it was in memory of Hailey Bug!! It was awesome!! We were able to give $10,000.00 to each of the three families!! I made a board with a little bio on what happend to Hailey and put a bunch of pictures on the board of the bug. We did a moment of silence for Hailey, during the moment of silence her board went flying off the eisel, it was her saying "silence, guys I never sat in silence!!" You can call me crazy but I truly believe that was her letting us know she was there with us!! It made me happy to know she was there!! I miss her so much!! People who found out about Hailey asked me why am I doing what I do on the foundation, and I don't do it because I can get glory or ego out of it, I do it because part of me feels like I couldn't help my own daughter but maybe if I give my time and energy to someone who needs it, I can help save someone else's baby. The parents of these sick children actually asked me how do I do it, I couldn't understand why they would ask me this when, they are the ones who are in the hospital everyday with their child watching them suffer. I didn't have to watch my daughter suffer, she left with no warning,but I didn't watch her ill everyday of her life, and I then would ask them how do you do it??Hailey is gone and I miss her so much, part of me feels like by the luau being in her memory and the playground being put down at Corey beach that it's keeping her going, but it's also keeping me going. For example I feel like I am climbing a ladder and the more I get done in her memory or to just help people in general, I feel like I am going to get her back!!I know it sounds silly but while I am doing these things I am thinking of her, I am thinking that if I succeed in everything I want to do good she will be given back to me. I want her back there is nothing more in the world I want then to have her back to hold,to kiss,to hug, to feed,to bathe, to watch sleep,to drive me nuts,and most of all just love and feel that love again.But I won't I won't ever feel that again, the only thing I can do is try and show her how much she is missed and loved!! My birthday there was a terrible void, I wanted nothing but to get a birthday card from her and to have her sit on my lap to blow my birthday candles out for me!!

Waves Of Emotions

The other day I went to Stonybrook Hospital to meet the two children that the childrens foundation is helping this year. I cannot understand for the life of me why God takes children from this world, but more so why does he make them suffer?? That's not a lesson any child deserves!!! When does it end, when does the world catch a break?? You think your life is bad until you get there,these children were so sick yet have such high spirits and were able to smile not knowing what was going to happen to them tomorrow. I feel so sad!! God took my little girl and as I said before I understand he took her and she is not coming back, but why does he leave others here to suffer?? You talk to these parents who are watching their children suffer day in and day out and they say to you that they still have their child and I stand there and say yeah but I didn't have to watch my daughter live in a hospital and suffer. She left with no warning, where does their strength come from??

I have been feeling pretty sad lately. It comes in waves for some reason. There was a point where at night I could go with out crying, lately everynight the tears turn on and I just cry myself to sleep. I miss her like you cannot even begin to understand. I look at the little girl who is the same age as Hailey and wonder while Alex is playing with her older brother if her and Hailey would be playing together.The other night I was standing outside talking with the parents and Rita her mom was holding her, and Stephanie the little girl turned around and said "the moon mommy, the moon" she sounded exactly like Hailey. It hurt yet at the same time I got to hear Hailey for a brief moment. And that was awesome!! There are days where I don't want to function but I push myself and I am just an absolute mood swing waiting to happen. What are you supposed to do, when does this knot in your stomach untie itself,when do you have a normal day,when do you not feel the urge to cry when you think of all the wonderful moments you had with her, I smile and laugh don't get me wrong but all those wonderful moment s that got stomped on from continuing lead you right back to tears!! She was our world,she made everyday bright,she had me wrapped around her little finger, we adored one another. There was this bond that is so completely unbelievable!! I know its a different bond than any other!!! I know I was meant to have that bond with her to give me no regrets today!!

Leave you with something I heard today:

In order for God to take you to another place, he must first move you from where you are. The move often feels like a disaster but it's only the creaking and groaning of the reluctant door.(author unknown)