Happy 17th Birthday

 It’s so crazy to think you would be 17 as of yesterday. Time flies but there is not a moment where you don’t come to mind. What’s the chances of last night watching something online and the commercial was a necklace of “you are my sunshine” while they sang the song. That was a sign and a moment where the tears filled up in my eyes but I could smile because she was letting me know she was near by. I miss her still. I always wondered if I would stop wondering what she would be like but here we are at age 17 and I still wonder who she’d be today? Happy Birthday in heaven baby girl. 

Over due moments

It's been awhile. Everyone is asleep in my house. Laying here listening to their sounds. Went to bed with just a yucky feeling in my stomach. Feel like something is wrong or I am scared about something? Not sure what this feeling is. Lately this feeling comes and goes. Wondering if it's because we are approaching the date my father passed? Have I not dealt with that pain yet? Has there been to much thrown at me where I didn't have the chance to feel? To go through the emotions I was supposed to? I feel broken and I don't know why. I'm not sure I want the stress of the business anymore. Maybe I'm not strong enough for it. I don't have the stomach for it he had. I try to be what he was but I also don't want the end result he had.
People don't care. They just say what they want, treat you how they want. They think because you own a business your a robot. Everyday I dread opening my eyes and walking into that place. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and hate who I've become. Part of me feels bad as though he felt this way all those years but kept going. How do I walk away and give up when he did it. I asked him if I could do this and he told me yes.
There has been too much in life for me not to realize how short it is. Soul searching. Maybe a trip to the cemetery is over due?

I miss them both everyday. One wound is a little more salted then the other. More fresh? I worked with him everyday and developed a relationship with him like never before. Kinda like the one we had when I was a little girl. I am grateful that I had the time I did with him. But I never saw it coming. I wonder why he doesn't give me the signs I need to get through this. Where is he? Does he see what's going on down here? Does he know what his wife has done at this point or does he view it as I've done something wrong? Is that why he doesn't let us know he's watching over us? So many unanswered questions just give me something. A dream....something!

I find it amazing that things happen the way they do. With hailey I came home from work early. Had it not been a holiday I would've been at work when it happened. My dad... We pushed our wedding up just because... Had we not he would've never been there. If I knew that was going to happen I would've payed more attention for the father/daughter dance... I would've held his arm tighter as he walked me down the aisle. I would've never left the hospital that night.

I wonder if they're together?


Sorry apparently I am having a moment tonight. A long over due moment.

My birthday another one without her

On this birthday I just want to recognize my little angel and say how missed she is. With Bella starting Kindergarten and doing so well, Alex beginning Highschool and doing amazing I feel as though she is missing...missing from the transitions in our lives and making the transitions she was supposed to make with me guiding her. Well now she has a guide one I will never entirely understand but one I have all my love and trust in.

I also want to say that I thank her because she taught me so much and if it wasn't for her my life wouldn't be where it is today. I feel she did this for us. I feel she put this amazing man in our lives for the reason of knowing how positive and loving he would make our worlds become.

Years later.......

Wow...so last night was one of the most emotional nights I have had in a long time. My 4 year old Isabella decided to watch Hailey's DVD last night. We watched it once together and then when it was over she had many questions and decided to watch it on her own again. About half way into it she ran into the kitchen to me hysterically crying and saying she couldn't watch it anymore. We talked and she sat me down and told me to close my eyes really hard and wish that God gave us Hailey back, because if we wished hard enough he would give her back to us. She had many questions like "why did he have to give her a bad heart?" I explained to her "because he needed her as an angel". She then wanted to know "why he didn't take her away from me?" I explained because he gave you to mommy because he knew he took Hailey from me and needed to give Mommy someone just as special.

She never did meet Hailey though she says she did in heaven. But I believe she should know about her sister. I have raised her to know and want to learn about Hailey. She was my daughter, her sister, Alex's sister etc...

Needless to say today Isabella has me thinking.... thinking about Hailey and how missed she is. No matter how much time goes by when that pain and hurt comes its as harsh as it was in the beginning. It doesn't come as often but when it does....it hits you. Its not all a negative feeling though, I like stopping and feeling. I like to know just because my life has gone on, I can still stop and remember her and remember the love I have for her. She was a special little girl and though I am not sure why he took her from me, I do like to think it is because she was special and he needed me to raise her as far as I did to make her one of his own special angels. She was with us last night and she is certainly around me today and I hope she knows how missed she is by us all.

xoxo

Merry Christmas in heaven my angel. I will be thinking of you all day!! Wish you were spending it with us.

Dreams

Thought of her alot last night...Along with some evil bad dreams. Made me realize that I am one tough woman but I could not ever deal with it again. Had a dream that someone broke into my house and they took Bella......I fell apart. Told the cops that if they didnt find her I would not be ok. I couldn't do it again!!! I love my children more then life itself. I miss Hailey more then anything. I am usually fine but for some reason...I felt last night and that hurt and that pain that came back I have not felt in a long time. Time does help heal but when you feel that initial pain after so much time has passed you forget how much it hurt and can't help but to look back and wonder how did I get through that?? I will never forget how much love and support I had and am so thankful for those of you who were there for us. Without you guys I would not have been able to do it. I took a statement or simple words from each individual person and used them...those words, thoughts and theories is what pulled me through and put me here today with a smile on my face. Thank You and it is never forgotten and never will be. Love you all!!!! xoxo

Sometimes Im allowed to sit and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to sit and cry. Sometimes I like to sit and watch the saddest movies to cry and think of her. Why? I dont know why nor can I even begin to try and explain it. But I have my days and I like my days. Those are the days where I truly feel she is at my side pulling at the strings of my heart.

Miss her and wonder daily who she would be today??