Sunday

Went down to put her tree and grave blanket on Sunday. It was hard. Been doing so good lately that I guess I didn't want to go back down there to relive everything and be reminded of the hurt and frustration that still lives within. I guess now knowing that nothing further can be done to those who let her fall through the cracks, I kind of tried to gain closure. Not that not going down to see her would give me closure but why open new wounds when I was doing so good? Haven't had any crying episodes out of nowhere etc....... I got very cranky down there because I knew deep inside I wasn't allowing myself to feel. Don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone other then her, feeling guilty for being so cranky down there. Its Christmas and not that I should look forward to going there but I should make the best of it and I didn't. I am sure she knows I am sorry and the guilt that I have for being the way I was on Sunday. Sorry Bug!!! Maybe part of me is trying to forget this part of my life, don't get me wrong will never forget her but I also know that if I hold on I will never be able to get past and move forward. I still talk and think about her daily and will for the rest of my life, however there was a time where I went down there weekly almost daily. I feel that I am in a spot now where I can deal with it. I can say this happend and I can't change it. Holding a doctor responsiable isn't going to happen nor is it the fair thing to do? This was maybe supposed to happen for whatever reason.............It happend and I have gotten to a point in life where I can kind of understand it. Just want to be okay and don't want to feel the pain anymore, so I guess you can say I am avoiding it.

SO I FIGURE BETTER LATE THEN NEVER.......SORRY BABY BUT THE COMPUTER AT HOME IS ALL MESSED UP!! THANKS TO LITTLE ALEX!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING BUG!! YOU WERE IN MY THOUGHTS AS ALWAYS ALL DAY.

ALEX CAME DOWN STAIRS LAST NIGHT PRETTY LATE IN TEARS EXPLAINING HOW HE MISSED HER. MADE ME CRY AS WELL. THE HOLIDAYS KICK SO MUCH UP. DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE HOLIDAYS THEMSELVES OR IF ITS THE FACT THAT WE KNOW WHATS AROUND THE CORNER AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. I WISH I COULD FIX IT FOR HIM. I WISH I COULD FIX IT AND BRING HER BACK FOR US ALL BUT MAINLY FOR HIM. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO ENDURE SUCH PAIN AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE..........I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND AS NO ONE WILL. CHRISTMAS IS A ROUGH ONE FOR US THOUGH. I REMEMBER THE CHRISTMAS RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED. I REMEMBER GIVING HER HER DORA HOUSE, HER KITCHEN SET ETC.......... SHE WAS SO HAPPY AND I NEVER SAW HER DYING LESS THEN 1 MONTH LATER......LIFE IS UNREAL!! YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE SHE TAUGHT ME QUITE A FEW LESSONS THAT I WILL FOREVER LIVE BY.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BUGGER!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! XOXOXOXO WISH I COULD WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND SQUEEZE!!!!