Never Another Ordinary Day

Another day has gone by without her.You wonder what gets you through the day? I swear it's that fact that I ask her every morning to give me her strength to keep me going. I went to the cemetery to visit her today. I find the more often I go the better I feel! I love going down there and talkin to her,bringing her things.I just wish she was here to hold again. I miss waiting for her to fall asleep in her play pen and then picking her up to carry her to her crib,her head would just fit so perfectly on my shoulder, like it was fitted to it. I miss asking her for a hug, and she would put her head down into my shoulder and go "ahhh", she was the best, she will always be the best!Her kisses were the best!! I just hope oneday I can make sense of all this.Right now I just keep going back and forth between maybe we did something to not deserve her, and then I go to maybe she had something so wrong inside that he didn't want to see an angel suffer. I don't know I don't get it and maybe I won't until I get there. And God knows after putting me through this and taking her from me I better be going there!!! I wonder if she is going to stay a baby up there or do they grow up? I have so many questions and when I think of them I get angry!! Our world revolved around her. Going back to when she was still here with us, I constantly took her to the doctors, I did everything to try and keep her safe and healthy. How come that wasn't enough, How come I couldn't get answers, How come the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong? I just wish I had someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt from her new show to come knocking at my door to tell me the answers to all of my questions and to tell me all the things Hailey wants to tell us right now. It is not fair,I love her too much to just accept this. I feel so lost without my little girl,my best friend. The one who was always at my side. There was so much bad in the world that he could have picked from. Why my little girl-Why???? There are times that I can deal and deal with every day routine, but I still know at all times that there is that void and it's not my normal daily routine. I don't want a house, I don't want money,I don't want anything materialistic-I want my little bug back!! This is something that was not supposed to happen these things do not happen to good people!!I don't abuse my children, they always got whatever they wanted. I always took them to the doctor when they were sick. I really don't understand!! Where do we go from here, how are you supposed to be the person you always were before something like this happens. I forgot who I was before this. Without her I am not Amanda, Frank is not Frank, Alex is not Alex. How do you allow a good family to deal with this hurt, the rage? How do you allow a 7 year old whiteness what we had to whiteness that night. I close my eyes at night and I cannot get the feeling of her lips on mine while I did Cpr on my 21 mnth old off. I cannot stop envisioning her face in her highchair when it all started, I have to go back to think prior to putting her in her highchair that night, which was me asking her"Bug you want nummy nums?" and she came running over to me,"fruit mommy, fruit".Oh, she was such a pip!!

An Early Angel

An early angel is what you were
Why he used me to take you there
I only hope you see me stare
through the glare of despair
I gave you life, yet couldn't spare you of the pain you had to bare
You made me laugh, you made me care, you may have left this world unfair
My only wish is to see you there

"Please Remember"

Time,sometimes the time just slips away and your left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I,I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time I had with you and smile
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember,Please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember ,Our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, Please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again

Please remember, Please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, Please remember me

Please remember, Please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember,Our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember,Please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by by you,you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, We ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember,Please remember

Forever Our Little Girl

I always promised I would never let anything happen to either one of my children.I always thought that it was always in my control. I found out the hard way that it is not in anyone's control!I wake up in the morning thinking I can get out of bed and go in her room to get her, I can't she's not there. It's not fair. I want to stomp my feet and beg like a little kid to get back what I want. I don't understand did we do something to not deserve her? I so badly want to sit down and put into words how I feel, but there are too many emotions flying through me to word them properly.I can only hope that one day I can sit down and put them into beautiful words for her, in memory of her. God knows she is enough inspiration!! When he took my little girl not only did he take my daughter, but he took my best friend and a part of me. She made me who I am today. In the two years she was here, she taught me a lot!! She was my world.I can only tell you that she may not be here with us anymore, but she will forever live on with me. On her birthday we will be down there with her cake, on Christmas, she will have her own battery operated Christmas tree( I already ordered it!) She will live on, on a daily basis. I have a void and no matter what I do I can not fill it. The part I can't get past is this feeling inside, I keep saying I don't want this feeling anymore,make it go away. Then I realize it will never go away.It will never subside. I had a dream the other night that the hospital called and said I could come and pick her up, that she had leukemia, but they made it go away and I could come and pick my baby girl up. When I got there, it was my daughter and her name was Hailey but it looked nothing like how Hailey looked in real life. This little girl that was Hailey in my dream had dark brown hair, bright crystal blue eyes and a red bow in the top of her hair. When I woke up that morning after the dream I literally got out of bed to walk into her bedroom to get her out of her crib, But then as I turned into her door the door was locked and it all came back. She was not in there. I need her,I want her, I miss her, I want to see her, I want to hold her, I want to hug and kiss her. I want to do so many things that were so unfailry taken away from me. There is a song by Liann Rimes,the song is my song to my little girl . I am going to put the lyrics on here tonight. The song gives me chills and makes me cry,but yet at the same time makes me happy and only hope she knows that it is the truth!

Valentines Day

Lastnight we went down to the cemetery and didn't leave until 10:15. I spoke to her yesterday when I went down by myself. I asked her for two signs. The first and more important being that she is safe and happy, The second sign I asked for, was that all of this was not my fault and I did everything possible. Whelp, like I said the only one I really wanted was sign # 1. Hailey had a thing with leaves, she loved leaves.I got in the car after leaving the cemetery and decided to wash my windshield with the windshield wipers, in doing so a leaf blew and got stuck inside of my windshield wiper. Call me crazy but I took that as sign #1 that she is okay. I was satisfied with that, I knew my little girl is safe and happy. It gets better.... Hailey also loved the moon, everynight she would walk from sky light to sky light, door to door looking for the moon. If the moon wasn't out she would freak. To the point we had to trick her that the spotlight in the back of the house shining from the restaurant behind my house was the moon. So I continue driving home in tears because of my first sign, and I turn down karshick street, and sitting there in front of my truck, hanging low, shining bright as could be was a full moon! Whelp that was it she gave me my second sign telling me"mommy it wasn't your fault". I couldn't Thank her enough. I miss that little girl so much, when she was here all she wanted was people to be happy with her and in general. She isn't here anymore and she is still succeeding to make everyone happy!! For Valentines day we brought her beautiful flowers with a care bear balloon, a stuffed animal and a wooden bear hand made that says we love you beary much!! We took everything down to her lastnight and stayed for quite sometime to hang out with her!

Time

Today was a rough day!! Everyone keeps saying "time, Time will make everything begin to feel better", As for me I am beginning to see how untrue that is. Everyday seems to hurt more and more. It just still does not feel real. I didn't think something like this could happen to our family. I did have that outlook no way, not me. She was my absolute best friend. I couldn't wait for the summer to come to take her to the beach! There were so many things that I wanted to go through with her as mother and daughter and to have the ripped from you in all of 5 minutes, I really have to say is unbearable!!No one deserves to feel this pain. There are times I wait for her to turn the corner from the livingroom, and she doesn't. The feeling inside my stomach is unexplainable. I think the only thing that can keep us all sane through this are the memories and knowing the type of little girl she was. She didn't want you to cry, she didn't want you to be angry. All these emotions I begin to feel I have to let go of and think of her smile. I then realize that's what she wants. She wants us all to smile, think of her and laugh!! She adored her brother and her brother adored her. They had their moments as any other brother and sister,However you have to keep in mind there was 6 years between them. They were so tight. They would play, laugh and he protected her with everything he had. They themselves have so many memories together in such a short period of time. The picture with this entry is them obviously Christmas morning, Alex was trying to play with his new toys from Santa and Hailey wanted to be right in there with him.Normally Alex wouldn't have had a problem with that, however she had the stinkiest diaper that morning,I thought Alex was going to lose it for the short period of time he had to sit with her to get this picture. Wherever she may be at this very second I only hope she is watching us and realizing just how special of a little girl she was and will always be to us. Mommy,Daddy and Alex miss you bug!!

Alexa's photo in memory of Hailey

She was a pip that day!! She was dancing with little Lacey,When the band stopped playing and the audience started clapping,she thought they were clapping for her.The smile that she had that day, again is something I will never let go of!!

In memory of Hailey Olivia

We all have at times taken life for granted, okay well most of the time. You may not realize how often you do it, But then oneday something happens and hits you to make you realize how much you really do take for granted.I'm not sure if this is the proper way to go about feeling the pain or venting the frustration,But in doing so if I can differ one person then job well done! On January 16,2006 we lost our little girl.She was only 21 months. When she was born I knew she was an angel. She lit everyone's life up,even if you only met her for 5 minutes.She was so unique.There was this glow to her that no matter what kind of mood you were in she would turn it around to only a positive happy mood.I now look at pictures of her and there is this twinkle in her eyes and her smile can only make one smile.I miss her so much I cannot even begin to put it into words. We lost our little girl out of no where. She was at the doctors not even 1 hour before she was taken from our world.The day after we lost her my question was,why were we given two years with her to only have her taken away from us? I no longer ask that question, Those two years mean the world to me and there is nothing I would do to change them.She was taken from me but those memories can never be. She can never be erased from our hearts or minds. I look back to the sleepless nights from when she was sick or just didn't feel like sleeping and I enjoyed that time with her,As exhausted as I was I never let her know it. In the short time she was here,she had a wonderful life.She made our lives wonderful.She touched all of us. Everyone gets caught in the day to day rut. I can only tell you that work, overtime, house work, etc. will all be there tomorrow or the next day. Life is way too short to waste time or take it for granted. Had I known that she was going to be taken from me that day at that time, The things I would have done differently.The night before I would have never went to bed I would have slept with her,Tried to keep her awake to get those extra couple of hours with her or even just watched her sleep one last time.Work,I would have never went, I'm sure we all have things we can do differently from time to time. Take the the time, Who knows you too may have an angel in disguise.