RAINY DAY

JUST WANNA SAY HOW SORRY WE ARE TODAY BUG, IT WAS REALLY RAINY OUT AND WE DIDN'T MAKE IT THERE TO SEE YOU. I WILL GET THERE TOMORROW AS LONG AS THE WEATHER IS OK. WE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU ALOT THIS WEEKEND AND I DECIDED A FEW THINGS THAT WE ARE GOING TO DO, NOT THAT IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN GETTING YOU BACK BUT MAYBE IT WILL OPEN OTHERS EYES TO CERTAIN THINGS. ALEX'S COMMUNION IS THIS WEEKEND, WE ARE HAVING IT AT SPORTS PLUS, I WISH YOU COULD BE THERE WITH US BUG. I KNOW YOU WOULD HAVE A BLAST. I COULD JUST PICTURE YOU RUNNING AROUND LIKE A LUNATIC SCREAMING YOUR HEAD OFF. WE MISS YOU SO MUCH, I KNOW I SAY THAT ON EVERY ENTRY BUT IT IS JUST THE TRUTH. YOU BRIGHTENED OUR WORLD IN WAYS YOU DON'T KNOW. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WONDER. FOR EXAMPLE WHEN I AM ALONE AND CRYING ARE YOU THERE WATCHING?? DO YOU SEE WHAT GOES ON HERE DAY TO DAY, DO YOU REMEMBER BEING HERE WITH US? OR ARE YOU IN A WHOLE NEW WORD WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS AND US?? I WONDER...........

THIS PICTURE IS SO AWESOME OF YOU!! YOU LOOK SO PEACEFUL AND SO INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU WERE DOING. GOD, YOU HAVE KNOW IDEA WHAT I WOULD DO FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES WITH YOU!! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING!! JUST TO SQUEEZE YOU AND KISS YOU, TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!! THE ONE THING I KNOW IS THAT NIGHT RIGHT BEFORE I PUT YOU INTO THAT HIGH CHAIR I HUGGED AND KISSED YOU AND TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE YOU AS I WALKED YOU TO THE HIGH CHAIR AND I AM SO HAPPY FOR THAT, BUT STILL IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH. I WANT MORE I WANT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I WANT TO SEE YOU GROW UP AND GET YOU READY FOR YOUR FIRST DAY OF KINDEGARTEN, YOUR PROM ETC... WE WERE CUT SHORT AND I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MISSED AND LOVED YOUARE!! YOU COMPLETED OUR CHAIN, WE NOW HAVE A MISSING LINK AND WILL NEVER BE WHOLE UNTIL WE ARE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN.

COME HOME

I WISH I COULD GET IN MY CAR AND DRIVE TO YOU. I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I WOULD SQUEEZE YOU SO TIGHT AND GIVE YOU MILLIONS OF KISSES. WE MISS YOU BABY GIRL!!I JUST WANT YOU TO COME HOME NOW. I AM TIRED OF THIS EMPTY SAD FEELING AND WANT MY BABY BACK.

"The Heart"

Last night I was going through Alex's school work, Almost on every sheet of paper or project he had to do, he related it to his little sister. One project was a four leaf clover and he had to write his wishes on it, he wished for his little sister to come back. I cried! This is killing us as adults only imagine what it has done to that little boy. Another was his weekly sentences for his vocabulary words, and the word was buried. Whelp the sentence I'm sure you can figure out what he used. It hurts and it hurts that I cannot fix his little heart. Aunt Lois gave me pictures from Christmas Eve this past year at my Dad's house. The picture with all of the children and grand children in it together, behind us was the T.V. if you look at the T.V. the music channel was on and in every picture the background says "The Heart" in every one of those pictures with Hailey in it. I don't know maybe I am reading too much into this but I feel like was someone trying to tell us something then or are they just getting their point across now??
I think she would have had a blast this summer. I know I had so many plans with her. I couldn't wait to do so many things. We were going to go to the beach, walk to get italian ices, walk down to the playground,camping etc... I cannot explain the things I wanted to do with them this summer now that she was old enough to actually enjoy them. I miss her and I'm sure I will forever. It's just not fair that we cannot lower the stair case just to go up and visit her!

This picture is of Hailey and Delaney. Hailey had a thing with picking at Delaney's hair and sticking her fingers in her mouth like a monkey. She would poke around in her hair like she was picking stuff out of it. It was too funny!

HAPPY EASTER BUG!!

WE MISS YOU BUG!! HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD EASTER. HOPEFULLY THE EASTER BUNNY BROUGHT YOU GOOD THINGS!!HAD YOU BEEN HERE WITH US FOR EASTER WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU........ YOUR TREATS, MORE LEGO BLOCKS, AND A TUBE FOR THE NEW POOL. NONE OF THIS FEELS RIGHT.I FEEL HELPLESS. I HAVE NIGHTMARES AT NIGHT OF THAT NIGHT. IT HURTS MORE THAN WORDS COULD EXPRESS. WE LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU COULD COME BACK TO US!! I DON'T KNOW HOW WE ARE GOING TO DO IT FOR THE REST F OUR LIVES WITH OUT YOU. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I JUST FEEL LIKE I AM AWAY FROM YOU TEMPORARILY, THAT YOUR ON THIS LONG VACATION AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH I WANT YOU TO COME HOME NOW!! HAPPY EASTER BABY GIRL!!!

(YOU ARE TOO CUTE!! I HOPE YOU STILL HAVE THIS PERSONALITY UP THERE. I KNOW YOU MUST BE PUTTING ON A SHOW FOR EVERYONE EVERDAY!! YOU ARE SO SPECIAL HAILEY. MOMMY AND DADDY WERE TALKING YESTERDAY ABOUT HOW MUCH WE MISS YOU AND WHY THIS HAPPENED-AND YA KNOW, WE KNOW WE WERE LOVING GOOD PARENTS AND THERE ARE SO MANY BAD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT DO BAD THINGS TO THEIR CHILDREN AND FOR SOME REASON GOD CHOSE TO TAKE YOU FROM US. I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY BUT HE MUST OF HAD A GOOD REASON, NOT THAT I WILL ACCEPT ANY OF THEM BUT I HOPE YOU ARE PROTECTING THOSE LITTLE KIDS IN THOSE BAD HOMES AND MAKING IT BETTER FOR THEM.THIS PICTURE IS ADORABLE, I ONLY HOPE YOU ARE STILL THAT HAPPY, BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE BABY YOU WERE WHEN YOU HONORED US AS YOUR PARENTS)

YOU ARE A PIP KID!! WE MISS YOU BUG!! I HOPE YOU REALIZE JUST HOW LOVED AND MISSED YOU ARE! YOU ALWAY FOUND A WAY TO GET THOSE CLOTHES OFF, HOWEVER WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A LONG SLEEVE SHIRT ON YOU WOULD BUG OUT. YOU KNEW HOW TO MAKE US LAUGH. I MISS COMING HOME FROM WORK AND YOU RUNNING INTO ME ARMS AT THE FRONT DOOR. I MISS GETTING DOWN ON THE FLOOR WITH YOU AND PLAYING BLOCKS OR DORA'S TALKING HOUSE. WE HAD FUN TOGETHER, I SHOULD'VE DID IT MORE OFTEN THOUGH. WE HAD SUCH A BOND THAT IS INCOMPARABLE, AND FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN OUR HEARTS. DON'T THINK FOR ONE SECOND WE WILL FORGET ABOUT YOU!! WE LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday dear Hailey
Happy Birthday to you

The song is not supposed to end there.....

Where do I begin, Today was hard. Frank,Alex and I stayed home together today. I so wish I could see her blow her candles out and turn 2. Hailey you are our sunshine!! Everynight before she ran out of her room to say "Goodnight to the moon" There was a little sun on her wall as you walked out and when you pushed the center of the sun it was the music for You are my sunshine. Everynight I would press it and sing it to her. If I only pressed it and didn't sing it to her she would rock in my arms until I did. If we couldn't get her to willingly and happily come out of the bath tub, We would say "Come on Hailey wanna brush your teeth", and she would say "teeth, teeth", and bug out until you took her out of the tub to brush her teeth. She left some scar, She ripped our hearts out.

Hailey- Mommy, Daddy and Alex just want you to know how much we miss you and love you. We hope you had a great birthday! We are curious as to what God does for you for your birthday?? I hope you saw us down to see you today and saw all the wonderful things everyone brought you. All your friends at daycare miss you, I went there the otherday to see them. I love you baby girl and please know that no matter what it is, or where we are you are always on our minds. Had you been here with us for your birthday we would have gotten you one of those big plastic houses for your kitchen set to go in that we got you for Christmas!! I had it all planned out. It's not fair, I hate this empty feeling, I hate this lost feeling. I cannot understand why-why did you leave, why did he take you from us, why couldn't the doctors figure out what was wrong?? Did I not take you often enough? Was it something I missed? Hailey where ever you may be please know we love you, please know if we could take all, the positives out of life in general to get you back we would. I cry and I sit here and cry and wonder where you are and who is taking care of our angel? I am so worried about you and scared. I am so scared that oneday my strength is going to collapse and I will not be able to function day to day. I need you more than anything and it hurts that as two parents there was nothing we could have done, we couldn't help you. We are so sorry for that. I only hope you are where ever we are and that you follow us day to day and see how our lives will never be the same with out you, little birthday girl!! My little girl would have been 2 today, yet she wasn't here to celebrate it with us, 2 years old and gone already!!

Happy Birthday baby girl-XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Lots Of 'Em

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skys are gray
you'll never know dear how much I love you
so please don't take my sunshine away..............................

My Heart is broken

Lately I have been having chest pains..... not sure if it's anxiety or if there is something going on. However I went to the emergency room lastnight because with the chest pains I go short of breath. Lastnight all of the above began to happen when at the same time I felt faint. To make the long story short I had my mom bring me to the emergency room. Of course they found nothin other than my blood pressure being elevated. I felt the pains the entire time I was in there. When the doctor came in to tell me my blood work was normal to follow up with my cardiologist I felt better yet at the same time said to myself....................Its just broken and it hurts and no one can fix it or make it better. She broke it and there's no putting it back together again! We love you Hailey and please know how special you are!

We had so much fun this day, you cried you did not want to leave.

WHAT'S NEXT????

WHAT'S NEXT??I AM SO SCARED!THIS WAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE BAD!! I AM SO AFRAID OF WHAT'S NEXT. WILL WE BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT? LIFE IS SO SCARY WE TAKE SO MUCH FOR GRANTED, AND I AM NOT EVEN SPEAKING OF OUR DAILY ROUTINES, BUT SMOKING, TANNING ETC... I AM NOT GOING TO LIE I DO THE ABOVE, BUT WHO THE HELL AM I??THERE IS A LITTLE GIRL WHO I AM SURE IF GIVEN THE CHOICE WOULD HAVE CHOSE LIFE OVER WHAT SHE GOT HANDED.
THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS JUST LAYING HERE WATCHING TV AWAITING FRANK'S CALL TO LET ME KNOW HE WAS ON HIS WAY HOME. I WAS REALLY INTO MY SHOW WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE I WENT TO CALL HER. I WASN'T THINKING BUT JUST LAYING HERE WATCHING TV, AND I WENT TO PICK UP THE PHONE TO CALL HER- CALL HER WHERE? EVEN WHEN SHE WAS HERE I COULDN'T CALL HER SHE LIVED WITH ME. BASICALLY IT ONLY PROVED TO ME HOW LOST I AM WITH OUT MY LITTLE GIRL CONSTANTLY AT MY SIDE.
SHE LIT OUR WORLD, SHE HAD HER DADDY WRAPPED AROUND HER FINGER. BUT GOD, DID SHE ADORE HER DADDY. SHE WOULD HERE HIM WALKING UP THE FRONT STEPS AND BOOK TO THE DOOR FOR HIM TO PICK HER UP AND TAKE HER TO THE BACK DOOR WITH HIM TO LET THE DOG OUT. IF HE DIDN'T TAKE HER TO THE BACK DOOR WITH HIM SHE FREAKED!! I WOULD WATCH THE TWO OF THEM SOMETIMES AND THE WAY THEY LOOKED AT ONE ANOTHER WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME CRY THEY BOTH IDOLIZED ONE ANOTHER!! THIS WAS HIS FIRST CHILD(DAUGHTER) AND SHE WAS TAKEN FROM HIM WHILE HE WASN'T HOME. WHY DO THINGS WORK OUT THE WAY THEY DO?? WHY WAS I LEFT HERE ALONE TO HANDLE THAT NIGHT-GOD KNOWS FRANK IS THE STRONG ONE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!! BUT I DO KNOW IN MY HEART AND SOUL I DID EVERYTHING TO KEEP THAT LITTLE GIRL HERE, BUT NOTHING WORKED. I FELT AS THOUGH I FAILED, AND THEN I FELT AS THOUGH I DID EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE. YOU JUST SEEM TO BOUNCE FROM THEORY TO THEORY. I JUST WISH I COULD APOLOGIZE TO HER FOR NOT BEING ABLE AS HER MOMMY TO HELP HER. I WAS HER MOMMY AND I COULDN'T HELP HER AND THAT MY FRIENDS HURTS LIKE A BITCH.
HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING REALLY SOON AND I AM SCARED! I AM SO ANGRY WITH GOD, AND YA KNOW THAT'S OKAY. HE LOVES ME AND HE KNOWS HOW WE LOVED HER, HE ALSO KNOWS HOW FRANK,ALEX AND I FEEL RIGHT NOW. HE KNEW WE COULD FIGHT TO GET THROUGH THIS, AND MAKE IT THROUGH IT- WE WERE STRONG ENOUGH PEOPLE TO HANDLE THIS( LORD, KNOW I WISH I WAS THE WEAKEST LINK AND I COULD STILL HAVE MY DAUGHTER) BUT HAD WE BEEN WEAK WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BLESSED WITH AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.