"Fruit Mommy, Fruit"

I wonder, I wonder where she is and how she is doing with out me.... I wonder does she see me, is she angry with me for not being there with her, for continuing my daily living? I can't say my daily routine, because she was my routine.I wish I could see her, I wish I could hold her one last time!! Life has so many different paths to take, and your life is not planned out for you, your paths are but depending on which one you chose to take is where your future will be. God may have several plans for us all, but can one be so cruel to of put this path up for us?? I could have chose another path, but I am so glad I chose the one I did!! I got to experience a wonderful short period of time with my daughter and I appreciate everyday that I can think back to our wonderful happy and fun memories!! You only live once and live it to the fullest!! Have fun, be with your family and know at all times what is important!! I cannot think of anything else more painful then what we have recently experienced, You think your handling it but in all reality maybe your trying to hide it. Maybe you know deep inside that no matter how much pain you feel that will never bring her back. I don't know what to do with myself. We are supposed to be finding a house, I feel guilty, But mostly I feel like I don't want to do this without her. There were so many things we were looking for in a house for her and Alex. How do you do this without her???? I am so alone with out her. I just wish for five minutes I could reach for her and her wrap her hand around my fingers, Everytime she and I would hold hands and she would reach up for my hand, she would look up and smile at me, I would get goose bumps just from the glow in her eyes alone. I am not by any means trying to make anyone feel guilty in what I am about to say, I am only saying this to open your eyes and make you realize how important everyday, every minute and every second in your day, just how vital those seconds and minutes are. The next time your child asks you to play with them or hold them----do it!! You don't know what that next second may bring!! I am so thankful today, that before I lost her I went into the living room to get her to bring her to the kitchen to eat and there she was dancing to Jack's big music show-but as soon as she saw me and as soon as I said "C'mon Hailey bug Wanna do nummy nums?" She came running over to me and said," Fruit Mommy, Fruit??" She loved to eat fruit!! But I picked her up and gave her the biggest kiss an hug before I put her in that high chair. I thank God for that!! I hope I don't offend anyone or make them feel sad by doing what I do on this site, however it is a way for me to vent but more important a way to keep her here with me and everyone else. If I just get one story in every time to show people how unique and special she was then I will keep apart of her here with everyone!! I have to tell you, I went and picked up her medical records from Brookhaven hospital today, Included in those records is everything the EMT's write down before they get to the hospital. They wrote that basically she didn't have a pulse, which I think I knew that already, but part of me feels better that maybe she didn't die alone and cold in the hospital, she died in my arms, in her mommy's arms, in her home where she loved to be!! I love my children more than anything in life and I cannot explain the days and nights without her!!

( I think in this picture the flash was a little bright for her!!-what do ya think??) This was at Alex's birthday party, he had a mining party they had so much fun!)

Phases

You would be surprised what your brain does when something like this happens. It's like different phases. First this wall comes over you and you feel numb,where your body doesn't allow you to feel. Second, like I said before it's like vacation time. You miss that person but it's just like your separated from them for the time being,Then all of a sudden out of nowhere your brain turns everything into reality for you. It's like everything your body was protecting you from hits you like a ton of bricks!! Lastnight I went to bed crying myself to sleep,early the next morning Frank left for work. I guess after I went back to sleep I started dreaming. Basically the dream had someone in it that was dead, someone I knew from school. In my dream I was in bed sleeping and something made me awake, in front of me was a mirror,in the mirror was a little boy. It startled me, and I went "Oh my God!!", There was a little girl laying next to me. I can't remember who the little girl was,but I knew her in my dream. Anyway, a few minutes later a boy came in(the person I knew from school who is no longer with us) And he said to me, "Amanda you said something to me in school the last time I saw you and I need to know the meaning of what you said?" So I explained to him what I meant by what I said, and he said, "Okay I can cross over now, I see the light, I am not scared anymore." I said to him" Wait!! How is my little girl?" He said,"She is wonderful, She is safe and happy."I then asked him" Can you watch over her for us and let her know we love and miss her?" He said" Amanda I was assigned to her and I will watch over her."At the same time as he said those words to me, someone took their hand and ran it down the side of face, however in the middle of them sliding there hand down my face I woke up crying. It felt so real I know this sounds like you guys need to put me away but that dream felt so real, I swear I really felt someone's hand glide down the side of my face! I told everyone Monday mornings are the worst for me and when I woke up this morning I felt reassured, I felt like she was safe and I didn't have to worry about her. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder if she's playing on the clouds? Sometimes I look up and wonder if she's looking down crying for me? Is my little girl up there crying for me and there is nothing I can do? I feel helpless, through this whole thing I have felt helpless! I couldn't find a doctor that could make her better, I couldn't save her from leaving our world that night, I couldn't save her from anything that was thrown at me. I felt helpless as a mother!! I was in the mall the other day, and they had a little stuffed rabbit with a dress on, that had her name embroidered into it, and then they had a CD with her name on it. So I bought both, especially because it wasn't often that people spelled her name the way we spelled it. I got in the car and put the CD on and the song spoke about :Hailey you were sent here from heaven and it talked about angel wings.I don't know about anyone else but I take these things all as signs from her that she's o.k. but doesn't want to be forgotten about. And that is something I will make sure never happens. She will always be apart of us, no matter how many years surpass. She will remain in our thoughts, hearts and prayers!! I don't know, God must be pretty angry with me these days because I found when praying or talking to someone it's not him anymore, I only talk to her!! She was my world and she will always be, I will keep our chats apart of my daily routine. I miss getting down on the floor with her and cleaning up her new legos she got for Christmas, just so she could un zip the bag and dump them out again!! We would have so much fun. Sometimes when she would see me on the computer she would come in, climb on my lap and make me go to WWW.Noggin.com to hear Lori Berkner: I got a song in my tummy, Energy, Or I know a chicken. She loved that one she would get down off my lap so she could shake it fast with them!!We had so much fun together. I would do my exercises in the living room and she would be right there next to me doing them, we would laugh our asses off, she was more coordinated then me!! Smart little girl,She taught me quite a few things in life and those things will always be the most important lessons I have learned!! This picture was from while we were in sesame place, She loved it there!!

I remember being a little girl and wanting to grow up so quickly. I couldn't wait to have my fairytale wedding, I couldn't wait to have a home of my own, I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. In all this I never once stopped to think about losing my family. You just don't think about those things because from day one you have the outlook no way,not me. You hear about these things but you always think it could never happen to you. I now have a whole new perception on life. You have to take one day at a time and cherish it as it is the last! Don't take a second of it for granted.What's here today could be gone tomorrow, and no, I am not saying to walk around in fear. I am saying enjoy it, you only get it once. I look at pictures of me holding her and in every picture I had this smile that you couldn't wipe off my face if you tried and I now look at those pictures and realize how happy she made me. I have a hard time looking at those pictures, because I know I will never be that Amanda ever again. I lost a huge part of me, Frank lost a huge part of him, Alex lost a huge part of him. I don't know if we will ever find those people again. This is unbelievable how someone who was here for such a short period of time can leave and take such a huge part of the person you were. I cannot come to terms with I don't have my daughter anymore. I cannot wake up in the morning and go into her room to pick her up and hold her or just watch her sleep. The closest thing to that I can get is driving to the cemetery. That is not fair!! I want to put her to bed, I want to give her a bath. I want her to drive me nuts and get into everything and I promise I would never complain about it again. I want those days back again. I won't work, I will stay home with her and live in a box to be able to keep her with us. I don't understand where did we go wrong???? It hurts and I cannot tolerate the pain sometimes and I have so many questions, that I don't know if they will ever be answered. I hope she looks down and sees how much we all love her and miss her. She deserves that much! She was taken from such a loving tight family. He better give her a glimpse and let her see how we are all holding on to her still and how much we love her!!

The DVD

The DVD of all pictures of Hailey is ready. Janessa and John did an awesome job on getting this done and putting it all together. I cannot Thank them for all they have done- I love you guys dearly!! However getting back to the DVD, If anyone wants a copy call Janessa ASAP she needs the amount of copies we need to order. Each copy is $30.00, so if you are interested contact Janessa or John.

What to believe??

Let me start off by saying how adorable she looked on this day. She had the cutest little sun dress on with her little bandana to match. She was adorable!!Look at everyone of these pictures and look at the sparkle in this kids eyes.You go day to day with your new routine,not happily but because you have too. I speak to many people whom include me in on their thoughts and prayers. They also inlcude me in their beliefs. Prior to any of this happening to my little girl, I believed there was a God however I didn't really practice a specific religion for myself. When I was younger my parents took my sister and I to Sunday school but then oneday we just stopped going. Like I said I believed there was a God but didn't really think much into a religion. As for my children I wanted them to have a religion and something to be able to fall back on. I myself am Lutheran, My two children were baptized catholic. Alex will be making his communion on 4/29/06!! Anyway Hailey was catholic as well. In talking to people after all of this happened I take in their belief systems,you would be surprised how many beliefs are out there!! I take it in and I find away to relate to it. For example someone said that you are put back here(reincarnated) until you have learned all God wants you to learn. So I like I said try and find away to relate this to that belief. I thought to myself "ok,well she was only here for 21 months what could she of learned in that time, and what I came up with is because she was only here for 21 months a short period of time, She must have learned how to be loved." I got to teach that little angel,Gods angel what it is like to be loved. This is just like I said an example of someones belief and how I found away to relate my situation in a positive way with it.
Hailey was unique, Hailey was special and I did know that from day 1! I feel honored to of been her mommy! It hurts and it hurts everyday. There is not a second that goes by where I don't think of my daughter,my best friend. My life revolved around her and I am so proud to have been able to love her. Those 21 months of wonderful memories can never be taken from me. Everyday I will talk to her,everyday I will put time aside to think of all the wonderful times I shared with her. I don''t understand why this happened to me and my family and probably never will. Ya know, I look at all the wonderful people I have around me day to day. My dad, formed a childrens foundation to help children who are ill and need help financially to get the medical care they need and that wasn't enough he still had to take a child from our family?? Maybe I sound selfish but none of this makes sense to me. I never knew how supportive the family I have is and thats goes out to everyone, I thank you all!! I don't know how we are going to keep going everyday with out her because it truly is a gut wrenching hurt where I feel it in my throat and in my stomach. I am lost without her, But lucky to have such a wonderful supportive family! Everyone has pulled through for the three of us! She was and will always be my world,my first daughter,my best friend., my everything and I will hold on to everyhting that I can to keep her going. She will always and forever be apart of our family. She will go on for as long as we do! I love you baby girl and everynight I make sure I find that moon,because I know thats you looking down on mommy,daddy and Alex saying Hi!! I love you!! Sleep tight and make sure you say Good night to the world!! God This kills me....

How Quickly They Grow

She smiled from the day she came into this world, and she smiled the day she left it. She is looking down at us all right now smiling but now she has her wings!! She bounces from cloud to cloud with out a worry in the world.

Sesame Place

If you look closely you can see Hailey is wearing one of those leashes for kids. We were in Sesame Place and I was so worried someone was going to try and take her from me. Before we left I went and bought one of them.It stayed on her the entire time, again because I thought I could prevent someone from taking my daughter. She remained in her stroller strapped in, with the leash on her wrapped around my hand.I was in my home and someone took her from me! I feel like a little kid, because no matter how hard I try I cannot understand this.Look at the two of them, how do you take them from one another? I miss seeing them play together. They would have so much fun.Don't get me wrong Alex could scootch,and so could she.:) We went down to the cemetery today, and in leaving there, I thought to myself I want to go home,but not talking about I wanted to leave the cemetery and literally go home. I meant as though I want my home back with my two children in it. I want to go back home!!I cannot explain the emotion day in and day out. She was and always will be amazing.I cannot stand being in this house with out her. I hate coming home from work and not having her run to the door screaming my name,I hate being able to sleep past 8:00 a.m. on the weekends.I hate not having her here. It's not fair, why does everyone else get to watch their daughters grow up?I look at these idiots who are trying to drown their children,how is it that they get that option. They get the option to keep and watch their child grow up and yet they make the decision to kill their child.Aren't there enough of those situations, and yet he still had to take my daughter from us?

Selfish

I was just sitting here watching one of my favorite shows called "Without a Trace", Probably one of the shows I shouldn't be watching with everything that had happened recently but I'm into all of those shows,Law and order,CSI etc..,sometimes I wonder if I got into the wrong field.Anyway getting back to the point,it makes me want to make a difference in this world.It makes me want to get out there and just be able to save one family's child. I wonder daily what would have happened had my little girl been brought to a hospital that was well prepared for pediatric trauma,why is it these hospitals can call themselves hospitals, but not be equipped for children. They then should not be called a hospital,they should be called nothing but a nursing home. You are not supposed to leave the hospital without one of your children, you are not supposed to bury your children, your children are supposed to bury you.Everyone says he had reason for taking my little girl,he has a plan for her. Who is he to make that decision for my daughter? I brought her into this world and I went through how many hours of labor,How is it that he can make that decision for me? I said not to long ago in front of Alex that,"God was selfish", Alex looked at me with this death stare,I then realized I said something in front of him that I should not have however it did not change my theory at that point.A couple of days later Alex approached me and said"Mommy,God isn't selfish, you still have me."You don't realize the things you say to a kid really stick and how they dwell on it,it's amazing! I still feel as though he was selfish in his ways, I only hope he did have a good reason for making the decision he made.She will never be forgotten nor replaced. She was a one and only,nobody could top her!I feel honored to be her mother and to be the one who brought her into this world.She was a true blessing and forever will be our little angel!

Hailey Bug and Sarah Bell

Christmas day!!The two little girls, Sarah Bell and Hailey bug playing house. She loved her Sarah. Sarah wouldn't even be over and if Hailey was in her play pen and wanted out she would start screaming Sarah's name. She really thought Sarah was going to come and rescue her from the play pen.

Hug And Kiss Her For Us

I can't explain the feeling inside. Sometimes I feel like my throat is closing. On Saturday Phil's father passed away. I hope they are together. Hailey sitting on Pop's lap, running around with him, Having fun. I can see Hailey when he got there saying"Pop,Pop!!" and running over to him. She used to do that when I would pick her up from day care. I would walk in and the teacher would go in to get her, she would walk out and spot me and scream "mommy, mommy" and run to jump into my arms.Oh the heart she pulled out of me when she left is unbelievable. She was and always will be my inspiration. I hurt and we all hurt because she touched all of us in so many ways, however when you hurt you have no choice but to think of that little bug's smile.As I was saying she's not alone anymore, there's someone there that she knows now, someone she enjoyed spending time with. I feel like she is safe now,a familiar face!Hailey, you have no idea how much we love you and miss you! I just wish I could hold you and squeeze you, tell you how much I love you as I tickle you on the dressing table, while changing your diaper again. We had so many good times and so many laughs! You always made me laugh. I was sick in bed, couldn't move and there you appeared in the doorway and said"mommy, hi mommy", you wanted to get in the bed with me and I was so sick and tried so hard not to get you sick. But you wanted to be in there with me and you would not accept no as an answer. I love you kid, We all love you. Pop you are as well missed, I never knew such a well respected man. To have you as a grandfather and most of all a wonderful great grandfather to my children is and always will be an honor!! Please take care of her, she adored you and from what I was told you adored her. I almost feel funny saying this, because by no means am I happy about losing either one of you, however I feel better in the aspect that you both have one another there. I'm jealous, damn it! Hug her for us, kiss her for us and make sure you both know how everyone loves you both!!
(Look at the chub in this picture,Oh I loved it, I loved the rolls and the pudgie cheeks!!)She loved to eat,just like her mommy!!)